Look at the stars

Of hopes and dreams

2012-01-01T02:59:00.000+04:00

This year, I hope that it would be better. But, it will only be better once you work hard for it. Things don’t just fall into place. In some way, at some point, whatever you do dictates your fate. Things don’t just happen.

Sometimes, you need take a step. Big or small. A leap. For the better.

This year, I am thankful. Some do not make it through 365. Some of them get lost in the journey. Some of them just give up. Be thankful. Not everyone make it through. If you’re still reading this, you’re one of the lucky ones.

Whether you did not like the way this year turned out to be, be thankful. Another year has been laid out for you to do those things you weren’t able to. Spend it wisely. Make it count.

You’ll wake up today with a brand new feeling. Take the time to stop and breathe. Ask yourself, “How do I want to spend this year?” The answer doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter until you wake up a year later, and you can say that you spent the year the way you wanted to spend it.

Whoever you are who is reading this, I only have one wish for you. I wish that you’ll be brave. Brave enough to face what lies ahead. Brave enough to always do the right thing. Brave enough to love and live and be happy. Brave enough to stand up for yourself.

I hope this year, you will be fearless.

“I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you’ll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you’ll make something that didn’t exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind.” - Neil Gaiman

Happy New Year!

Dear Seoul sister,

2011-01-14T01:33:00.002+04:00

It breaks my heart to see you fall. I'd do what it takes to get you there. You just don't know it, but it breaks me too. But you see, sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to. Believe me, I've had my own share of learning that the hard way. At a certain point in one's life, we will. And I think that you are already at that point. I wish I could protect you from the world. You're still young. You shouldn't be experiencing this. But the world spares no one from pain and disappointment. No matter how good you are, pain will eventually find you. No one's an exception, I've learned. It's just how it is.

If it were up to me, I'd let you go. I'd let you fight. I'd let you go beyond what you have imagined. I'd let you know that the journey is the destination. I'd let you win. And maybe, somewhere along the way, you'll find where you're really meant to be. If only it were up to me. And I would be right there with you.

We've been taught not to let opportunities pass by. But sometimes no matter how great an opportunity is, they're just that. A great opportunity. Just because it's great, it doesn't mean that it will be great for you. We still have to be wise and choose which opportunities we should take. It's not the end of the world. As long you're breathing, opportunities will still be coming, always greater than the previous ones. A missed opportunity doesn't mean you're less talented than you were before. If any, it should give you more confidence about yourself and excitement for what lies ahead.

You've done great, kid. That was very brave of you, doing something like that to reach your dreams. And I'm so so proud of you. Things will work out, you'll see. Maybe not in the way you want them to, but they will. I promise. You just don't know it yet. So, don't lose the faith. Someday, it will get you there. You just wait.

You're still young and you still have a long way to go. Hang in there. It's really not the end of the world. And no matter what happens, we'll always be here for you.

I always have your back, remember? This doesn't change a thing about us, what we have become. You'll always be my Seoul sister.

I love you.

Of predictions and tattoo(s)

2011-01-05T02:28:00.000+04:00

It's the beginning of the year and I have to say that I'm feeling positive about it. I'm okay. It's going to be okay.

In the midst of looking for mazuonas, I decided to spend the day with myself somewhere else other than my house. It was a nice change. Just me, my notebook, my coffee (and cheesecake!) and the comforting silence.
No one was in the cafe except for a couple and a guy reading a book. That was good, I guess.

I was writing the goals for my fashion blog, when I stopped and realized that I didn't write my predictions for this year. You see, every year I write predictions OTH style instead of resolutions at the beginning of each year, specifically during the first hour. Resolutions are quite overrated, don't you think?

Sometimes they come true. Sometimes they do not. Honestly, I don't really work to get them. They're just something I have to remind myself what I want to achieve. It's like a 'the end justifies the means' kind of thing. Mainly it's for fun. But I do it because it's familiar. It's a tradition. And I find that keeping traditions help you to keep yourself. Because there are some things that feels good when you know that they don't change. And God knows how badly I need something constant in my life.

Anyway, so for this year, I've written down the following predictions (in no particular order):

1. This year, I will be fearless.
2. ..The Mazuona will be known.
3. ..I will do better.
4. ..I will find new, real and true friends.
5. ..I will have a closer relationship with my family.
6. ..I will lose weight.
7. ..I will forgive. Or at least, learn how to.
8. ..I will get my tattoo(s). :P
9. ..I will be inspired/surround myself with inspiration.
10. ..I will inspire.
11. ..I will fall in love. :-)

And because of item no. 8, we move on to our next list, the tattoo(s) that I will probably get in my whole lifetime:

1. Believe- on my right wrist (in cursive/script) If I don't get the rest, at least let me have this.
2. She believed she could so she did. - left shoulder blade (in cursive/script)
3. Swim - left wrist (in cursive/script) based upon my favorite Jack's Mannequin song, Swim
4. The journey is the destination. - left forearm (in cursive/script) favorite OTH quote ever
5. the mazuona - I still don't know where
6. Fearless - I still don't know where
7. Molnija (russian word, lightning in english) mark- nape for every Strigoi kill
8. Zveda (russian word, star in english)- nape for every battle
9. Promise mark - nape for being a promised guardian

*7, 8, and 9 are based upon the marks in Vampire Academy. I will have these done like Rose's (my favorite character). Don't be fooled by the book title. It's not your ordinary vamp book. You actually won't notice that it is, because it's real. The feelings, the plot, the characters are real.

So, basically in ten years, I will be covered with these tattoos from head to toe. I still have a lot in mind, but I just don't know where to put them. But before I even worry about that, I still have to get my parents to agree. I don't really know why I have this tattoo 'obsession'. I just know that the reason why I wanted to get the word Believe on my right wrist is because I want to be reminded to believe at all times. To have faith when everything seems so hopeless. So that whenever I reach a point where I want to give up, I would go on.

And I guess that goes the same way with the other tattoos. They're reminders of what I've been through. Like battle scars. And to remind me what to do. Like stars that light the way. Mire las estrellas. They're for good reasons.

I think I may have just turned myself into a reminder board. Maybe I should just get one, eh? Nah. Tattoos are better and more cool. Oh, aside from getting my parents' permission, I also said that I will only get them if I donate blood first. Once you get yourself inked, you won't be able to give blood anymore. I feel like I would be more worthy if I saved a life first. So, yeah. Parents' permission and blood donation. Piece of cake?

I would have to admit though, I'm scared of blood. It makes me faint..err squeamish. But to overcome that fear would be an achievement which gives me all the more reason to do it.

Before I forget, Happy New Year, dear reader! I know it's late, but better late than never.

“May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I

hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and

don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only

you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.”

— Neil Gaiman

This will always be my new year wish for everyone. Have a great year!

End it clean and end it well.

2011-01-01T02:07:00.000+04:00

And then it was the end of a year and the beginning of a new one.

This year wasn't the best. But I do not hate it. It was better. Better than the previous one. And that's the only thing we can do, right? Make sure that we keep getting better.

This year was a lot of firsts. My first job. Hence, my first salary. My first time to travel by myself. My first time to write a story. My first year in Abu Dhabi. My first press pass. My first indie photo shoot. My first new year celebration with my family after five years. My first time to get sick during Christmas. Too many things. I'm sure there were more but I just can't remember them.

This year I did things that I've never dreamt of doing. But I still wish I could have done more. I wish I wrote, traveled, took pictures, enjoyed my time, loved, and stayed in touch more. But this year, I've come to realize that no matter how many times I felt alone, I never was. And I wish I was able to appreciate that.

This year is ending. This moment is the ending. End it clean and end it well, Marla Miniano once said. But this year is also a beginning. Another chance to live. Another chance to make things right. Another chance to do the things we love. Another chance to be with those we love. Another chance to love. And you don't get that everyday.

The future is unknown, but it is in our hands. Let's begin clean and let's begin well. Let's begin with being fearless.

Crash and Burn

2010-12-15T01:07:00.000+04:00

How did we get here? Everything is crashing down. And there's no way to stop it. I've read once that you should take immediate action before more damage is done. But there's nothing I can do. You're like water slipping through my fingers.

Each day gets worse. And I don't know how we got here. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I wanted you. I wanted more. But now, I don't have either. It's times like these when I want familiarity. The familiar smell of rain and the cold it brings that feels like home. The noisy streets and your steady heartbeat. And the warmth of a hug most especially.

I can't always save you. Not when I need saving too.

Enchanted

2010-11-29T01:25:00.001+04:00

And how could I forget that night? No matter what happens now, I know that I will always remember. It was the beginning. It was the mark.

For the first time in a long time, it felt like home. Like I could put the walls down and still be safe. You don’t forget that.

The world will continue spinning, and our lives would be drifting. But that moment that we shared will forever bind us together. And if only those two words will disappear, then maybe it can be.

But if not, I just thought that you should know that more than anything, it was enchanting to meet you.

I was enchanted to meet you.

Maybe.

2010-11-03T23:24:00.000+04:00

Things are finally becoming more clear. And little by little, I feel them fading. It's finally the end. Or maybe not. But, we're on the way.

We can heal. We will heal. And when that time comes, maybe I won't feel this way anymore. Maybe there's hope for us. Maybe.

That's all there is to it, for now. The colons are getting old. The period not coming too soon. So what else do we have but the comma? Don't hold your breath.

Finally, finally. This is closure. Maybe.

For the first time,

2010-10-25T22:10:00.001+04:00

You got me right where it hurts, mother.

What little remains

2010-10-23T02:21:00.000+04:00

This entry is overdue, just like the feelings that I'm trying convey with it. It's been two years. I woke up that day and remembered what should have been a happy day for me. I felt the familiar pull of nostalgia, and the sudden hate that came with it. I hated remembering. But what I hated more was hating.

It's been two years, and I know that I shouldn't be feeling like it was yesterday. It's been two years, but the wounds feel fresh. And it wasn't supposed to be that way. I was supposed to put it all behind, move on, and love again. If I tell you that I got the moving on part down, but haven't put it all behind (clearly), would you believe me? I guess the answer would be no. Right now, I don't know where exactly I stand, if I'm even in the middle or at the end.

"What is it about you that makes me still care?"

And I don't mean caring for you the way I did before, the way I did two years ago. There's nothing romantic about it. I hate hating, but I hate you. I hate how much some things still affect me despite the time and distance. I hate the way it's still like this when it shouldn't be. When will this end?

I don't want to be friends. We can't be. I tried. I really really tried. I used to tell you that we'll still be okay. Not now, but in the future. Right now, I'm not going to say that anymore. If this hurts, then so be it. It's what I want anyway. I'm not going to apologize.

This is horrible and this is not me. But, this is how I feel. I'm not a saint. None of us are. And I'm getting tired of keeping things inside, because it's the right thing to do. Because, if they're out in the open, people will get hurt.For once, I'm putting myself first. Even if it makes me look like the bad guy.

"You got his heart and my heart, and none of the pain. You took the suitcase, and I took the blame. And I'm trying to make sense of what litte remains. 'Cause you left me with no love, and no love to my name."

That sums up this whole entry. It's exactly how I feel. It's wrong, but it's real.

I want you to hurt. I want you to feel the way I did after what happened. This s horrible. It's not me. But maybe it is. And you have yourself to blame for that.

About time

2010-10-18T00:44:00.000+04:00

A few entries back, if you still remember, I wrote something about starting a fashion blog. It's been more than a month, and maybe some of you might be thinking that I've thrown away the idea. But, no I didn't. Although, I'd have to admit that it came to a point where I didn't want to do it anymore. I made up so many excuses. I let my fears and my doubts consume me. I simply lost faith.

Anyway, here it is: http://themazuona.blogspot.com

Click on the image to be redirected :)

Finally, after more than a month of preparation and all the highs and lows, I finally made it. :) I hope you find the time to visit it. And to clarify, I am not closing this blog. I will still be posting here. But, everything that will be posted here will be personal. So, if you still want to hear me rant, get depressed, be inspired, then you're free to view at your own risk. But, if you wanna see a side of me that will be more or less always happy, then please visit the fashion blog. I believe it's more interesting than my own life. :)

The blog name's a mouthful, I know. It's pronounced as MAZ-yoo-na. It's an Arabic word. To know what that means, I suggest that you go over there now and read it. :)

I've spent more time creating, conceptualizing, and preparing this more than I ever did on my personal blog. So, I think it's worth it. Everything about it was challenging, from the concept down to the technical stuff. I really gave a lot of myself in this one. The only thing that I am hoping for right now is for it to work out. Updating it and keeping it interesting is the only challenge I have left to overcome. I can do this. I always find a way, right?

I have to remind myself all the time. This is now my mantra. I just thought of sharing this to you. I know I'm not the only one. So, if ever you feel the same way, remind yourself that no matter what happens, everything's going to be okay.

*On a sad note, my laptop has finally reached its doom. A few days ago, I have been experiencing extreme battery problems, and severe system malfunctions. It was slower than usual. Typing is becoming a problem. I used to hate typing on my iTouch, but lately, I'd rather type on it than on my laptop. I've been moping around a lot, and I think that the parents took pity on me. Come on, my laptop and I have been together for three years. It was my first. I was really feeling depressed. So, on a REALLY HAPPY HAPPY note, my parents got me a Macbook Pro.

Late last week, my mom asked me what the best Macbook is in my opinion. I didn't bother asking her why, so I just said that if the user is an art enthusiast/photographer/graphic designer etc., then a Macbook Pro is the best choice. If not, then a simple Macbook would suffice. I didn't really think that she's going to buy it for us. So, I was shocked when they told me that they asked a friend to buy it in the US and bring it with him when he comes back to Abu Dhabi this week. But, I didn't really realize that he was going to arrive today. So, just imagine my surprise when I entered the house and I saw my Dad hiding the box under the center table. Haaaa. GV all the way. :D

Technically, it's not just mine. I mean, my parents and I would be sharing. But, I'd probably be the one using it the most. My mom had always wanted to own a Macbook. She told me that she just bought the Pro so that I can also use it. Awww. I really appreciated the fact that she thought of me. But now, you (Macbook Pro) and I are going to have so much fun. >:)) *

Don't forget to visit and support my blog! Thanks! :)

Hell-o, October

2010-10-09T02:17:00.000+04:00

October has always been a lucky month for me. Over the years, I've noticed that most of the 'historic' events, both good and/or bad, of my life happen during this month. You can say that it is the turning point. It's either I make it or I break it.. The part where I usually say, take it or leave it?

But, we are eight days into the month, and yet I don't feel lucky at all. I started the month with angst and letting my rants get the best of me. I've been feeling off, to say the least. I'm having doubts. I keep making up excuses. I'm playing the blame game. I'm giving in to my fears. And I don't know how I would get back on track.

Should I do this? Am I ready for this? Am I good enough?

These are the questions that haunt me from day till night. And it's not really helping that I think about it even more, because I would probably just end up with nothing at all. I honestly don't know how to proceed. I don't know how I would do this. But, I do know that I have to. I need to. It would break me more if I don't.

I need a serious pep talk. And maybe this is it. I ask myself again, why do I need to do this?

I need to do this, because I know I can. I may not be good enough, but it doesn't mean that I have to stop trying. After all, we all have to start somewhere, right? I need to do this, because it gives me the feeling that I don't get from what I already do, and from anyone I love. I need to do this, because every time I do, I feel different. I feel alive. (That was very cheesy, but it's really true.) I need to do this, because I want to surprise myself.

I have to try, at the very least. Everything that has been going on right now is telling me to do it. I swear there are signs. There has been a lot of signs. And even now when I was looking for a particular Neil Gaiman quote in my archives, another sign appeared.

"But if you never try, then you'll never know just what you're worth."

It is a lyric from the same entry with the Neil Gaiman quote that I was looking for. See? This line was supposedly my lyric of the year. And it is. Nine months back, my subconscious already knew that I was going to need it. I don't want to get all cheesy again, but this (and a whole lot of other events and people) just proves to me that I have to. And yes yes yes, I will. Come hell or high water, I will. I still don't know how, but I will. I will find a way.

Another coincidence or sign or whatever, my name in Arabic is actually Yusraa. I am not sure of the spelling, because I suck at spelling Arabic words. But it means, "the eye". Or something like that. My friends explained to me that the person with the name has a great eye for seeing things or perspective (whether this meant that I have a great insight or used in an artistic sense, I do not know. The first one is flattering, and the second one is, I hope, true enough.), and that she always finds a way.

For someone with believe as her favorite word, I sure am not playing the part. I actually forgot that this was the reason why I wanted to get this word tattooed on my right wrist. If it still isn't obvious, I chose that particular location because I am right handed. So that every time I feel like stopping or giving up, I'll just look at it and go on. Start all over again. And not just that, it is also to remind me that I have a lot of things that I believe in. But most importantly, to remind me to believe in myself.

I swear there are quite a number of people who believe in me more than I believe in myself. And to change that has always been a dream of mine. Maybe this will help with that, a bit or a lot.

Who knows? I guess I just have to do it and find out.

Karl Lagerfeld and I

2010-10-01T00:40:00.000+04:00

I've always wanted to write a blog entry about Karl Lagerfeld, but never really had the chance to find an exact topic to write about. The only reason I liked him then was because he was the successor of Chanel. And I've always loved Chanel, ever since I was a kid. I remember thinking of her instantly every time I hear the word 'Fashion'. But, I've never looked up her work. It was only when I watched her life story that I really loved her and her work, which was fairly recently. I actually did my final project and presentation for Fashion History about Chanel and two designers of her time. And after that, I've taken a deeper interest in Karl Lagerfeld. I really like his work and his personality, regardless of the fact that he is Chanel's successor. His way of doing things is out of this world, yes. But, very effective.

So anyway, I was in Jashanmal (a bookshop) the other day. Manal and I were goofing around as usual. And she was checking out this stand that was selling key chains with the historic events and important people born on that day on your birth date. So for curiosity's sake, I checked mine. I almost dropped it on the floor, and jumped up and down when I saw this:

Karl Lagerfeld, legendary fashion designer was born on this day, September 10, 1933.

Wow. That was the first thought that came into my mind. I can't explain exactly how I felt, but that I was at loss for words. Sure, it's not really a big deal. For all I know, there's a billion of other people out there who are sharing the same birthday with Karl and I (Yes, being technically birthday-mates entitles me to address him by his first name. Haha. ). And you're probably thinking that because of this, I would be thinking that I would end up like Karl Lagerfeld, or something along those lines. Well, you're wrong.

As unexpected as that may be, I don't think that I would end up like him. I would love to. Hell, if I even become half the designer he is right now, I'd probably die in happiness. It's just that I felt a connection. I felt that we actually have a connection aside from the love and the passion we have for the same things. As cheesy as this may sound, I felt hope.

It really gave me warm and fuzzy feelings. If we weren't in a public place, I know I would have cried (though that never stopped me before) As in bawled like a baby. It gave me hope, not because I think that in some weird twist of fate, I would end up as someone great, somewhere great. It's more like I felt that it was the universe's way of telling me that I am in the right path. That I should just hold on and someday, I'll make it. Maybe not as big as he did, but I will.

What are the chances that someone you really look up to have an almost-direct connection to you? It doesn't matter to me if there are billions out there that share the same birthday with him. What I care about is that out of all those billions of people out there in the fashion industry, he would be the one to literally share that special day with me. I mean, come on. It's the Karl Lagerfeld. That's awesome!

I remember reading an article by Alexa Chung (girl crush!) in Vogue last July about him. I loved the whole article, but it was something he said there that made me love him more. It was this:

"I am a designer; I hate designers who tell people that they're 'artists'. Chanel never said she was an artist."

This was what made me want to write an entry about him before, because I agree. For some reason, I hate it when I hear people telling others that they're artists, and when they give it off as an excuse for their bizarre actions. That is just stereotypical (is there even a word?), and downright annoying. One time, I heard one of my classmates say that, and I just walked out, very discreetly out of respect. I couldn't stand it. I never finished that entry. It's still here in my drafts, because I didn't want to come out as though I'm thinking highly of myself just because I don't do that. And also because, I didn't want to sound cocky about it.

I'd also swore to myself that if I already know the difference between a designer and an artist, only then I would be able to write that entry. So, what is really the difference between the two? In my opinion, an artist is someone who has created something very unique, something that has not been done in the past. Right now, I can't think of anyone that has been able to do that. But, I think if there is someone worthy of the name, it is God. He created everything in his image and likeness, after all. We are all living proofs of that.

On the other hand, I think designers recreate things. We develop them into something more according to what we need and want out of them. Fashion designers design clothes. Interior designers design furniture. Web designers design the web. You get the drill. Now, I'm going to leave you to your own thoughts about the argument.

You're probably thinking right now that I would brag about this, and even go far by including this on my blog profile. Well, this is where you're right. At least, about the latter part. :)

I wouldn't want it any other way.

2010-09-23T00:16:00.000+04:00

Twelve days ago, I turned nineteen. And it was a blast. We celebrated it for six days, because it was also the holidays for the Muslims. On the exact day of my birthday, the Philippine government declared it as a non-working holiday to show respect to our Muslim brothers and sisters. Wow, way to make a girl feel special on her birthday. ;)

I could say that this year was better than last year, if we're talking about the celebration part (and let's not forget about the gifts! Haha). Last year was a turning point for all of us, so I guess that was expected. It was supposed to be a grand celebration. God knows how long I've been planning my 18th birthday party, and it still didn't work out in the way I want it. But surprisingly, I think it was better than I expected. Looking back, I wouldn't want it any other way.

They sure did make up for that this year. Three weeks before my birthday, my parents already declared that I won't be having a party, and that we would just celebrate it by staying for a night in a luxurious hotel. I agreed, because I really didn't care much about what I would do. I wasn't feeling it yet. But somewhere along the way, something changed. Suddenly, I didn't want to celebrate it with just my family. I want to celebrate it with our relatives, family friends, my friends, and with all those people who have been with us during the past year.

I have too many things to celebrate about, I realized. And it would be a shame not to celebrate them with the people who matter the most to us. This party wasn't just for me. It was for my whole family, because each of us has grown in our own ways together. So, after a few days of whining and throwing mild tantrums, my parents finally agreed.

It feels like eighteen all over again, with my uber yummy Tiramisu! :)

With the only man in my life right now, Daddy. :) (aside from my Lolo, brother, Titos, and guy friends)

Doing Tequila shots is our favorite mother-daughter bonding. ;)

Goofing around with the not-so-little-anymore sister before everyone arrives. ;)

(No picture with the little brother. :( )

My mom and my second aunts.

We are all not blood-related, except for Tita Yhetty on mom's right, but we might as well have been. :)

With my 'second' cousins. :)

With Dad and my second titos, Tita Minnie, and Mom. :)

Who cares if they're almost a decade older? They're the ates I never had, Ate Omai and Tita Yhetty. :)

*Welcome to the family, Ate Omai! :)*

I could really say that it was one of the best nights I've ever had in my life here in Abu Dhabi. And that night, it didn't matter if we weren't in a posh venue or hotel. It didn't matter if I wasn't wearing a custom-made dress. it didn't matter if we didn't serve hors d'oeuvres. It didn't matter if there were only less than twenty people who came. What mattered to me was that they did.

And if I was asked what the best lesson that I've learned during this past year was, I would say that it's knowing what and who really matters. But, that doesn't mean that I would not be capable of making bad decisions, because I still am. It doesn't make me immune to mistakes, bad experiences, and difficult times. I'm not wise, but on occasions where it is needed, I can be. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm okay. Or that it will be okay. No matter what happens now, I know that I will eventually find a way to make things work.

Like I always say, the past year has been tough. It was a turning point. It feels like a different lifetime, because of everything that happened. And I wouldn't be able to go through all of that without these people, and a whole lot of other people who have always been there for me.

Dubai Festival City Port, actual day of my birthday

Dinner in my favorite Resto/Steakhouse, TonyRoma's :)

The day after my birthday, dinner with my relatives

(Tita Marivic, Tito Jay, Mona, Hamoodi :) )

My two bodyguards, Edrick and Hamoodi. They keep potential boyfriends at bay. ;)

Step Up 3D date with my very own Bonnie Bennett and Caroline Forbes (aka Manal and Tagy) ;)

September 13, 2010

*It's been more than a year now guys. :)*

Of course, my 'party' won't start without Mercy. ;)

I'm not Elena Gilbert without my Stefan Salvatore. ;)

*Thank you, Manal! :)*

I swear, they're better than boyfriends. :)

So to all of you, Thank you. For always being there. For believing in me. Now I wish that I could believe in myself as much as you guys do. But, thank you for never giving up even when I give you reasons to.

I do miss my family and friends back in Manila, but these people right here make everyday away bearable. I am truly blessed. So, cheers to nineteen years and more to come!♥

Counting

2010-09-04T01:26:00.000+04:00

Summer classes are finally over. And that means, I'm on vacation again. No more Islamic Culture readings, and crazy Management scenarios to answer. But, there would be more time for the things I want to do like that fashion blog, and the stories that I want to write.

The fashion blog is still in the making. I've already created its email and registered its domain on OnSugar.com. I don't know if you've heard of it, but I'm sure you've heard of PopSugar.com. They're affiliated. In fact, PopSugar is the creator of this blog hosting website. I was choosing between Blogger and WordPress, since I am more familiar with them. But, some fashion bloggers suggested that I try OnSugar. And so I did. I haven't actually tried to do anything except for customizing the themes and other stuff, but it's been great. It's pretty neat and easy to use. Right now, I'm doing a lot of researching and working on the content. I will post it up as soon as it's finished. :)

Aside from that, I've been busy writing that one-shot story inspired by a song that has been on repeat on my iPod for days now. I haven't listened to it in such a long time. Say, like more than a year? It's going good, but I think I got a little too carried away, and it is longer than I expected. I am actually hesitating to put it up, because it's quite long and well, for reasons I can't say. I haven't decided on a title yet. But, I'll keep you posted.

It's nice to be productive even if it's technically my vacation. I'm looking forward to the coming three weeks. Hell, I'm even looking forward to my birthday next week. I know, it's very unusual for me. Last year, I think I almost begged for that day not to come. Haha. But, this year is different. I have a lot of things to celebrate for.
Not that I didn't have enough last year. It's just that it's my last year as a teen, and I want to make it count. :)

What I know

2010-09-01T11:39:00.000+04:00

Today, I decided to read Carrie Diaries again. I remember buying it a month ago along with two Marla Miniano books that I'm obsessing over. I've never announced to the whole world that I'm a fan of Carrie Bradshaw or the Sex and the City series, because well, I'm not. I didn't even know SJP's character's name in the show. I just know that she's in that HBO show that my aunt used to watch with me back in second year high school, but I would always end up sleeping through it.

I guess I was just not interested in watching a show that has been in the small screen for more than 10 years now. At that time, One Tree Hill, the America's Next Top Model, and a few more shows were the only ones I watch. So, anyway, I bought this book while I was spending one of my many glorious days inside Powerbooks Megamall. It's one of those days when I was hoping that the universe would try to tell me something about the world by stumbling upon a book by chance.

I was scanning the bookshelves when my eyes fell on a battered copy of this book squeezed in between two other chick literature or chicklit books, as we call it now. I loved the cover. It was a Louis Vuitton-inspired handbag, the same one from their collection that I've been drooling for since late last year. I sat down on my usual space beside the architecture shelf and started reading. It is about Carrie Bradshaw when she was still a teen, before the whole Sex and the City book started. She was in her senior year, a coming-of-age before her life in the real world starts.

A line from the first chapter was what made me buy it. The moment I read it, I didn't think twice. I got up from my usual spot, walked towards the shelves where they keep the glossy and carefully-packed copies, grabbed one and headed to the counter. I didn't even check how much it was. I just know that I had to get it.

The actual scene was this:

"Carrie?" she asked. "What if I'm a princess on another planet? And no one on this planet knows it?"

That question still kind of blows me away. I mean isn't it the truth? Whoever we are here, we might be princesses somewhere else. Or writers. Or scientists. Or presidents. Or whatever the hell we want to be that everyone else says we can't.

And that was, I think, the main problem of Carrie in her story. A lot of people would roll their eyes when she tells them that she wants to be a writer, or just the fact that she writes. She was always perceived by everyone, including some of her closest friends, as someone who doesn't even have to try. Everyone expects that she knows what she wants in her life, and she wouldn't even break a sweat to achieve it. They were sure that even without her brains, she would get by life with just her pretty face. But, they were wrong.

The world doesn't need just a pretty face. In fact, the world needs more women like her. Passionate, confident, and adventurous. Fearless. She wasn't invincible, but she did the best she could to get through. And the best part is, she doesn't do it like how most people would do. She didn't stop trying.

And in the end, she found her voice and her only way of expressing it, through writing. Write what you know. George, the guy who likes her so much but she wasn't attracted to, had told her. And that got me thinking. What do I know? And apparently, Carrie asked herself the same question. And George told her again: "If you can't think of something, find it." I guess that's also good advice for when I get my dose of writer's blocks.

But I guess in some twisted way of fate, I know now why I was meant to find this book. I'm not Carrie Bradshaw. I do not have her amazing insight. I only have my own. But, what we have in common is the love for writing. It doesn't show due to my lack of blog entries, but it is there. And it's slowly making its way up to the surface. And sometimes, I feel scared that it might surpass my love for fashion and the arts. But, hey isn't writing a form of art?

Reading the book challenged me to work with what I have, what I already know. I honestly didn't realize that it would lead to this. A few nights back, I found myself looking for possible jobs, just in case my current job takes an ugly turn. (*Long story) So, I asked myself what I wanted to do. It was pretty simple, really. I've loved Fashion since childhood. I'm studying to become a professional Fashion Designer. I play with my camera during my free time. I write stories every now and then. And oh, I work as a Fashion Market Researcher. You put everything together, and you get what? Fashion Journalism.

I was ecstatic. I was excited to take on this new venture, but much to my dismay, all fashion journalism-related jobs require 3 years experience and a bachelor's degree. Two things that I don't have at the moment. But, before I give up, I suddenly had a crazy thought. Why don't I start off with a fashion blog? Wait. Don't even attempt to raise that eyebrow. Let me explain.

I am perfectly aware that I can't even update this site on a weekly basis, what more a fashion blog that would most probably be visited more frequently? And I must admit that I do not have an idea on what to blog about exactly at this very moment. I'm still figuring things out. But I believe with all of me that I have to do this.

If there was anything I've learned from learning how to groom my own eyebrows for the first time the other day, it was this: That just because you don't know how to do it, it doesn't mean that you can't learn how and you can't try. So, I'd have to try. I tried to learn how to groom my eyebrows, and it was successful. So, why not this one?

And if there was one thing that Carrie Bradshaw taught me, it was to try and to not stop trying. :)

****

Oh, I forgot to inform you, do you remember that story I was writing a few entries back? Well, for those of you who knows that and is till interested in reading it, I moved it here. It's actually finished. I posted the first four chapters in this site, but as of this date, there are already ten chapters up. I can't believe I actually finished a story. I can't believe I was able to finish THAT story.

Right now, I'm on the process of writing two new stories, one of which will just be a one-shot about a particular song that brings back certain memories. Haha. And the other one, well it is still undecided. But, I already have a plot in mind. It's part of the practice.

I would post up the link to my fashion blog as soon as everything is settled. And when I get over my photography insecurities. I'm very bad when it comes to taking pictures of myself. I need practice with that too.

For what this is all worth, I do believe it's worth the try. ;)

*It's officially September. For once, guess who's excited? :)

Ms. Brightside

2010-08-19T01:01:00.001+04:00

We have always been told to look at the bright side. If something goes wrong, look at the right side of the situation. They happen for a reason.

I've read somewhere that things sometimes don't go your way for you to pause for a second and appreciate what's in front of you. Delayed flight? Or got stuck in traffic? Maybe God wanted you to have time for yourself, since you've been very busy with work lately.

These moments do not come very often, and instead of complaining, why not embrace it and make the most out of it? Say, like appreciating everything that God has given you. Look around. Everything is going so fast. And yet, here you are. You are given the chance to slow down and remember that there is someone up there setting these things in motion.

I know how it's hard to look at the bright side of things, especially when everything seems to fall apart. But, I have read from somewhere (again) and I have always believed that if God got you wherever you are now, He will surely get you through it.

So, when a moment like this comes up, be thankful. Take a deep breath. Look at the bright side.

Let go. Let God.

Fresh

2010-08-02T23:46:00.000+04:00

There is no other way to say it, I'm back. It makes me cringe just saying it, because you can't say it without feeling like a conceited person who expects everyone to rejoice at her return. So, I say it with a period, and not with an exclamation point. Okay. That was not the point. But, you get the idea.

Back from what and where? I'm back from Manila. So, I am now in Abu Dhabi again. I arrived from my six blissful weeks of vacation two days ago. And with that, I am more than eager to work, study, and get myself back in the game. So, I'm back. I'm back from my almost-a-month long, unexpected hiatus.

I wanted to enjoy this vacation, so I decided to spend more time with my family and friends that I have missed so much, and less time online. And it was worth it. I am happy. Although, I'd have to admit that I feel guilty for not seeing a lot of people during my stay. I want to apologize to all those people whom I have promised I would meet, but because of the lack of time, I wasn't able to.

There are a lot of things that happened during the past month, and I am grateful for all of them. I wish I was able to document all of those that I would like to remember, in words--here in this blog, to be exact. But, those moments have passed, and even if I would try to remember how they made me feel, I wouldn't be able to tell you exactly. But, the most important thing that you need to know is that I'm happy. Summer 2010 is one of my happiest ever.

I'd like to believe that this summer marks the start of (not just)a happy school year, but a happier me. I'd like to believe that the grieving and brooding times are over, and I am really back on track with more insight and a wider perspective. It is exciting and scary at the same time, but I believe that I am more than ready to face whatever life throws at me.

And for once in my life, I am taking things slow. No matter how much I like you and where I am in at this exact moment, I am taking things slow because this is important. You are important. And going too fast would ruin the beauty of what I have found in you. I am taking a step back. Everything feels new and exciting and scary. And I think that it's about time that I listen to what God and the rest of the universe has been trying to tell me: Enjoy the moment. Live in the moment. But, keep your faith in destiny. It is amazing when I think about how many little moments were strewn together to make that one big, magical moment happen, the moment I met you. It was like billions of stars banded together to create my own personal sun. And I think that I deserve that after being surrounded by clouds for so long. I think that I deserve this. I deserve to be happy. And maybe along the way, God would decide that I deserve you too. :)

A fresh start doesn't always have to start at the beginning of the year. It just happens. You cannot plan it without really willing yourself to make it happen. You feel it. And right now, I feel fresh. I'm ready to go on with what I have started. This moment marks another new beginning.

Like what Rickie from one of my new favorite books by Marla Miniano, the Every Girl's Guide Series said,

Let's begin clean and let's begin well. Let's begin with what really matters.

Chances II

2010-07-06T09:21:00.000+04:00

III

We headed upstairs, so that Axel and Jam can smoke and we can have a fantastic view at the same time. Nobody ordered anything. So, it was all chitchat.

"What did you do in Abu Dhabi? I mean, do you go to school?"Axel peered at me from behind his glasses.

"Of course. What else would I do, right?"I laughed at his question. I rolled my eyes at him and Jam just laughed with us.

"She goes to a fashion school."Jam answered him before he could ask what I was taking up.

"Really? Woah. Ayun oh." It was Mark who voiced out what Axel must have been thinking. He looked at me admirably.

I rolled my eyes again. "Weh. You guys go to UA&P nga eh. I was supposed to go there too. It was my parents' dream for me to go there. But that's the point, it's their dream. I would love to go there too."I paused. Especially now that I know you're going there. Good thing I did not say that out loud.

"But, I've always known that Art and Fashion is my 'calling'." I added.

"Then, why didn't you go to SOFA instead?" Jam asked me, referring to the country's best (in my opinion) fashion school. I would go there. I wanted to. But, there was still a part of me that wants to start over somewhere no one knows who I was and what I've been through. I know well enough that there was a hidden subtext to her question. Why did you have to leave? It seemed to say. Her eyes told me that I guessed right. That she knew what I was thinking.

"It's too expensive. And well, I wasn't ready.." Ready for what, you ask? For everything, I guess. I know, with regards to creative skills, I wasn't ready yet. I still have to hone them more, because I stopped developing them when I chose music in high school. As for the other part, I just know that I wasn't ready to face anything. I need to be with my family. And so, I followed my heart. And for the first time, it did not fail me.

"Isn't it also expensive to study in a school abroad?" Jam countered. Although, I know she knows my reasons, and she knows that they're for the best. Like most of my friends, she still wants to hear the answer from my lips, loud and clear. She didn't want to read it from an email.

"I know. But I'm a.. scholar. So, it's not a problem." I said sheepishly.

At this point, Jam and I suddenly remembered that we had other people with us, because for the past few minutes of interrogation, I felt that we were the only ones in the room. And from the looks on their faces, the guys were oblivious to the hidden subtext of our conversation.

"Ayun talaga eh!" Axel and Mark said in unison, while raising their arms as if they were surrendering or something. It was hilarious, because the three of them did it at the same time. I just laughed in response.

But, little did they know, I did not become a scholar because I was a great student. The school board offered it to me, because they know I needed financial help. I just did my part by maintaining my 4.0GPA. And that's not an easy task. I didn't tell them about that anymore, because I was secretly avoiding their questions. And well, I don't want to look like I was trying to impress them. Specifically, him.

Good thing, Axel wanted to smoke. So, they both went outside, leaving Mark and I behind. Swee-eet. I really wanted to spend more time with him. Alone. I wanted to know more about him. And well, he's fun to be with. It feels comfortable, natural even. Like, I don't have to be conscious of anything around him.

And just when I was about to open my mouth to speak and start our bonding moment, my phone rang for the third time tonight. You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Ugh. I excused myself, and got my phone.

It was Estell. My kindred spirit, a fancy way of saying that she's my super duper, bestest, closest best friend. But, we both know that there are no words to describe our friendship. It's a more-than-bestfriends-but-less-than-lovers kind of thing.

So, I answered her call, because I know that, like my mom, she wouldn't call me if there was no emergency. And this time, the emergency is about her newly-bought camera. Tecnhical problems, again. I looked at Mark, who was snickering at that moment.

I mouthed a ,"What?" to him, while I was listening to Estell describe her camera's problem over the phone. And he just mouthed a, "Nothing." in response. I raised my eyebrow hoping it looked cool, and he just laughed.

I rolled my eyes, something I've been doing a lot since I met him. I said sorry, because I know that he was bored, and listening to my phone call is not a way to past the time. I felt bad. And at last, the phone call ended, and it was just the two of us again. So where were we? I wanted to ask.

And just when I was about to resume where we left off, Axel and Jam came back with Justine, my seatmate in third year high school, in tow. I missed her terribly. I got up and pulled her into a bear hug.

"Oh my god, Jut! I missed you so much!" She hugged me tight and we were both screaming like little girls.

"I missed you too! It's good to have you back." Justine beamed at me. And then she saw Mark sitting on the couch, and went to him.

"VCF!" She called out. VCF, what? What's that supposed to mean? Is she talking about Mark?

"VCF!" Mark acknowledged her. Wow. They must have known each other in ages to have this weird nickname. I looked over to Axel and Jam who were talking about something. Okaaay. Fifth wheel mode on. It's a good thing I'm used to it.

After that small reunion, we decided it's best to go out and meet the others. Justine and Jam were talking and walking ahead of us. And, Axel and Mark were talking behind me. So, I was stuck in the middle. I overheard their conversation, and it was actually about me. I looked at them.

"Grabe, man! Nosebleed." Mark was laughing when he said that, while looking at me. Meanwhile, Axel just looks amused by all of this. I didn't realize what they were talking about. What did I say that made his nose bleed?

"She was talking about this D5000 and D3000 cameras, aperture, shutter speed, and all that techie stuff." Oh. So that was it. I recalled the conversation with Estell. And we were talking about her camera. He was looking at me like I was talking about something rocket science.

"Oh come on, Mark. I'm studying Art. It's required." I do the eyeroll thing again, and laughed with them. I sneaked a glance at Mark, and he looks impressed. I, on the other hand, looks flushed. It's a good thing the light was dim, so he won't see that flush on my cheeks.

A lot of guys hear me talk about stuff like that all the time, especially in school. They never reacted like that. And if they did, I never reacted like that. By that, I meant blushing.

I glanced at my watch. It was thirty five minutes past 7. I have a feeling that this is going to be a long night. And I'm fine with that.

*************
IV

"Eura Mae Ursua Yuste!" Choco and Rej said at the same time. They got up from where they were sitting, and hurried off to hug me.

"I missed you guys!" I said sincerely while I was still being crushed by their hugs. I really really did miss my friends. There was even a time when I forgot how it's like to be hugged. Wow, that was so melodramatic. But seriously, I really didn't have instant friends in my school in Abu Dhabi. It took us a while to trust each other, and really be friends.

Jam joined in. And I hugged her for the nth time tonight. It feels good to be home. I looked at everyone, from one face to another. I saved his for last. And I just felt blessed to have all this people around me, old and new.

After that tear-jerking reunion, we all sat down and ordered food. Jam sat next to Axel. Mark sat next to him, and Justine got the seat beside him. So, I sat in between Justine and Rej, while Choco was sitting on Rej's right. This makes me at the center of the table. And so, everyone was asking me questions, as usual.

"How have you been?" Rej eagerly asked after the waiter left. Everyone looked at me, waiting to here the answer.

I smiled at all of them. "I'm fine."I'm better now. I tried to shift the attention from me, so it was my turn to ask questions.

"How about you guys?" I asked mainly Rej and Choco, who I really haven't seen since graduation. They're still together in school, unlike the rest of us who went our separate ways, but still managed to stay in contact with one another. When I used to study here, Geca, Judith and I went to the same university, but took up different courses.

"We're good. We're still in the same block." said Rej. I wasn't surprised. I've seen their Facebook albums. They almost have the same photos.

Off to the other side of the table, Jam and the rest were absorbed in their own conversation. I was sneaking glances at Mark, and he would catch me everytime. Goddamnit. How does he keep doing that? I realized that I would be more discreet if I sat across from him. And luckily, that seat was vacant.

"Hey Chocs. I think I'm gonna move beside you. It's kind of weird here." I said as I got up and sat on the chair directly across Mark. I hope it wasn't too obvious that I wanted to see him from my place.

The food arrived, and everyone ate except for Mark and Axel. We ordered drinks immediately after. My phone beeped and it was another text message from Kat, my bestfriend since first year highschool. I ignored the message and asked Jam or anyone else to reply to her instead.

"Hey J. Can you text Kat? She's been asking me where we are. And you know how bad I am with directions. Plus, I don't remember how we found this place anymore." I said with a laugh. I actually don't remember how we got here, because I was busy talking to Mark.

Jam shook her head, and then got her phone. "Eu talaga. It seems like you haven't changed."

"Actually, I just don't want to deal with her tonight." I said. Kat and I had a little fight earlier this week. And that fight made me realize that there really is something wrong with our friendship, something that has been going on for probably a long time.

Everyone looked at me with that knowing look they used to give us back in highschool. We don't fight a lot, but our fights are not rare or unheard of. By their looks, I can guess that they already know why we had a fight, because it has always been for the same reasons, ones that I don't want to admit, even to myself.

I sighed. This was really getting tiring. Mark looked at me with concern. And to lighten up my mood, he made a joke, the same joke he gave me earlier.

"Who's that?An enemy?" he said, whle cracking his knuckles. He did that a while ago when I told them about these guys who tried to get me into their cars and hopefully (for them) in their beds.

I shook my head and said, "No. She's my bestfriend."

"I told you I'll beat up anyone who tries to mess with you, even if you're in Abu Dhabi. Just tell me, I'll be there." I can't help it. I smiled as I imagined him defending me, and beating up someone who tried to mess with me. It was so sweet. Even though, I know that half of that statement was a joke, I still appreciate the fact that he said it.

I've always known that I can defend myself when necessary, but it won't hurt if you have someone protecting you. And contrary to what I stand for, I do appreciate being saved. Sometimes.

"Thank you." I tried to hide that flush slowly creeping on my cheeks. Thank God for poor lighting.

"Uyyy VCF na rin sila."Axel suddenly found his voice and teased us about being VCFs. What the hell does that supposed to mean? I downplayed my confusion by joining in the laughter. The rest of them were suddenly teasing us as well. I had this feeling that Axel saw me blush, or thought that I had blushed. That's why he kept one teasing us.

I met his eyes over the table, and felt safe. I suddenly remembered what Kristina, my mentor and close friend, told me about finding love. She used to tell me, "Look for someone you feel safe with." And I've always wondered if I've already met someone who makes me feel tht way. How do I know if that person makes me feel safe? Is it when he makes you feel natural, adored, loved, and cared for?

I put off that thought, knowing that I have the rest of my life for that. Plus, I didn't have anyone to begin with. At that time, I had to go back to finishing my dress pattern, and so I did.

But in that moment I met his eyes over the table, I knew.

Chances

2010-07-04T19:21:00.000+04:00

He looks at me with those eyes that seem to see right through me, before he extends his hand and mutters, "Hi. I'm Mark."

His lips turns up into a smile. Being the polite girl that I am, I smile back and offer him my hand, and introduced myself. And in that brief moment, I felt home.

*********

"You know what? I was just telling myself a while ago that I would be going to this reunion alone, as usual. I mean, you have Axel. Kat has Mic. Geca has Ayeeh. Choco has Rej. Not that they're together. Anyway, my point is, when will I be the one who will bring a guy to one of our get-togethers? Hay nako. Never mind what I'm saying."

I turn to Jam, one of my very close high school friends, who was fixing her hair and checking if every single lock of her mane was in place. I smile as I take in her appearance. She was wearing a top from The Ramp, something she said was a great investment, a very nice waist-length shorts, and black pumps.

"Aww. Don't be like that." She looks at me like I was crazy or that I was drunk already before the real drinking session started.

"Do you remember back in high school when I was the only one who was in a relationship, and the rest of you were single? Wow. Destiny is just amazing. " We laughed at my sarcasm. I shake my head as I recall memories of our high school life. Jam looks like she was doing the same thing.

"Oh well. Maybe I'll get lucky tonight and meet someone." I had a good feeling when I said that. I had a feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night. I think Jam was right about me being drunk. Did I just quote a Black Eyed Peas song? Oh my god.

"You look really good, Jam. And, I'm happy that you found Axel." She smiles at me. And I notice that every time I would mention Axel's name, her face would light up, and a rush of color would slowly creep on her cheeks.

"Thanks Eu. Tara na, Axel will be here soon. He just texted me."

I let her drag me out of my room, grabbing my bag on the way out. And just in time, Axel pulls over and we were on our way.

"So, how lang have you been in Abu Dhabi?" Axel asks me while looking at the rearview mirror. I made eye contact and smiled at him.

"A little over a year." I answer him, and as I look out the window I remember the day I decided it was best if I leave everything behind to fix what's left of my life after what happened.

It's something that always haunts me every time it's brought up. It's not something I can't avoid, because everything that's happening in my life right now is because of that decision. But decisions have been made and things already happened. And I know I dealt with them in the best way I can. But there will always come a time when you think if it was all worth it. You start to think about how much you've missed out on.

I shove those thoughts away, knowing that they would do me no good. It's a good thing that I have Jam, Axel and the rest of the gang tonight. I really missed them and it would really be great to catch up with everyone. The last time we saw each other was during our high school graduation. And even then, we weren't able to spend time with each other because everyone was in a hurry to get out of their graduation gowns and shoes. Jam and Kat, my long-time bestfriend were an exception. I saw them earlier this year when I visited for a week. But that was it. We stayed in touch through e-mails and Facebook.

The car ride was quick. Traffic was not that horrible which is a miracle. We arrived at the place we're supposed to meet up in twenty minutes. As we pull over in the parking lot, I didn't know that we were meeting a friend of theirs. Axel's bestfriend, to be exact.

"He's here na daw. He said there's a girl sitting at the back. Stalker much?" Axel tells Jam, as we were both getting ready to step out of the car. I laughed because this stranger actually used me to prove that he was there.

Axel and Jam walked together, and I followed quietly. I was feeling awkward, so I kept glancing at my watch or my phone. And the bitter feeling from earlier is starting to make its way back. I heard Jam greet someone and noticed that Axel was nowhere in sight. He probably went and got his shirt, I thought. I heard someone laugh and talk to Jam, but I wasn't aware of what they were talking about.

I looked up, and saw a guy looking at me. This must be the bestfriend. Jam introduced us, but I was only half-listening. I recovered fast. I don't want this stranger to think that I was ogling him.

I think I was melting, not because he was hot like Jake Gyllenhaal or Taylor Lautner, but because of the way he looked at me.

He looks at me with those eyes that seem to see right through me, before he extends his hand and mutters, "Hi. I'm Mark."

His lips turns up into a smile. Being the polite girl that I am, I smile back and offer him my hand, and introduced myself. And in that brief moment, I felt home.

***********

The bitterness and worries suddenly went out of the window. All I could think about was I'm happy. This stranger's presence makes me feel happy and safe. I know that's wrong but something was telling me that everything is just right and going the way they were supposed to go. I glance at him at the same moment he glances at me.

He pulls out a cigarette and placed it on his ear like a pencil. Who does that these days? Well, him, apparently. Jam noticed and makes fun of him.

"So, what are you trying to prove?" Jam laughs and lightly punched him on the arm. Axel arrives just then, wearing a new shirt. Just as I thought.

"It's badass kaya." Mark tells Jam as they both laugh at that. I laughed along with them. Of all the words he can use, he used badass, one of my favorite words. It's the word Rose, my favorite fiction character, always use to describer herself and Dimitri, the love of her life. So, I can't help but join the conversation.

"Ooh, badass. That's one of my favorite words."I said. And this actually caught his attention. He smiled at me like he was glad that we had something in common.

"Really? Wow." He smiles at me again. And I swear I think I turned into a pool of jelly.

His smile was so genuine. The corners of his lips would turn up in the most amazing curve I've ever seen. And at the same time, two deep dimples would pierce his skin where the corners turned up. I wish I could paint that smile, or at the very least, photograph it. And pair that smile with those eyes, his deep black eyes that makes me feel like drowning in them happily.

I think I hear Taylor Swift playing Superstar (You smile that beautiful smile, and all the girls in the front row will scream your name.) in the background followed by You Belong With Me (You've got a smile that could light up this whole town).

We waited at that spot for about fifteen minutes, before Jam suggested that we start looking for the bar where we were supposed to meet. So, Jam and Axel being the unofficial couple that they are, walked together ahead of us. I find myself walking alone with Mark. We were laughing the whole time.

I kept on sneaking glances, but he would always catch me looking. So I would always end up joking about something so he won't realize how he was making me nervous and comfortable at the same time.

After about ten minutes of walking, we finally gave up and just decided to ask some people where this bar is.

"It won't hurt to ask." I tell them. So, Axel immediately called Mark and told him to ask the waiter of another bar.

"Mark! It won't hurt to ask daw." Mark asked the guy. And suddenly, my phone was ringing. I flipped it over and I almost dropped it when I saw who was calling.

"You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding." I said very loudly to myself as I was still staring at my phone, refusing to believe that it was my mom who's in Abu Dhabi at this very moment, was calling me.

Mark appeared out of nowhere, looking very concerned and amused at the same time. He asks, "What's wrong?"

I said, "Nothing. It's my mom." I looked like I was about to laugh. I picked up my phone after who-knows-how-long it was ringing.

I actually miss her. I haven't talked to her in a week. Hence, I wasn't able to tell her that I would be having a night-out with friends today. She's not ver strict when it comes to these things, but she wants me to tell her this stuff as a sign of respect. Of course, she doesn't have to tell me that. I have a good girl image, which I'm planning to keep for the rest of my life. At least, as far as my parents are concerned.

I told her about my night-out and she was fine with it. I felt relief when she told me that she only called to ask me something very technical. I found it amusing, because I know she won't call unless there's an emergency. And apparently, learning to download movies from Torrent is an emergency.

So,I hung up and turned to my friends who were standing a few feet away from me. It looks like they were discussing something very funny, because they were all laughing when I got to them.

"What's up?" I ask with pure confusion. I was totally oblivious to what was going on. Mark was the only one who recovered from all the hysteria and laughter caused by this unknown situation.

"The bar we're supposed to go to is closed already. It got burned down a few weeks ago." He said in between laughs. Wow. Can this night be even more interesting?

I texted the rest and told them about what happened. They weren't aware that their favorite bar has closed. So, they told us to wait and they would look for another place we can go to. We went to Starbucks.

*************

Wow. I did not expect this to happen. I was just supposed to tell you about how my Saturday night went. I did not expect that I would actually be telling you what exactly happened. So, yeah, this is a true story. I did not even bother to change the names of my characters.

I've been wanting to write something since last week. And I guess this is also the product of reading Marla Miniano's books too much. If you don't know her, she's the one who wrote the Every Girl's Guide series, Table for Two, and other heart-warming Summit books.

Saturday night, to say the least, was one of those nights I won't forget. It was a night of pure laughter, happiness, catching up, forgiveness, and maybe even, love. For the first time in many months, I know I was smiling in my sleep. For the first time in many months, someone kept me up almost the whole night because I was busy thinking about him. For the first time in many months, I woke up smiling. And I wasn't able to stop since.

As the weeks would go by, I hope that I'll be able to continue writing this true story. I'll post the next two chapters tomorrow or on Tuesday. I hope that this will last for more than four or five chapters.

But what I'm really hoping for is, I hope this would last. :)

First of Summer (but not quite)

2010-06-03T01:40:00.000+04:00

I know I should be getting my beauty sleep right now for Ate Ai's and Kuya Rj's big day tomorrow, but I just can't sleep. And even though it kills me to know that I'm going to lose a day for project-making, I still agreed to go. I miss going to parties and other social events. I miss getting dolled up for events like this. Hihi. And with that, I rewarded myself with a new dress and shoes. :>

I just feel light and happy right now. And I'm planning to make that last. This summer, there will be no more drama, no sulking, no grovelling, nothing sad. I'm hoping for the best. This summer will be different. I will be happy. I will no longer grieve about what has been done. And instead, I will put on a smile. A smile that says, I made it through. I'm hoping that you'll see the smile of a girl who, despite all that she has lost, still had the courage to pick up what's left and went on with her life. I will start fresh, be a better version of the Eura you've known then. A clean slate.

I'm gonna start living the life I've always wanted. I won't stay at the sidelines anymore. I'm going to go back in the game. I won't just watch what's happening around me. I'm going to make things happen. You'll see. :)

P.S See you in two weeks, Manila! :)

History repeating

2010-06-03T01:36:00.000+04:00

Manila's summer is about to come to an end, but it is just about time that mine would start. And I am beyond excited. I don't care if it will be raining the whole time that I will be there, I'm just looking forward to that one precious month. But for the meantime..

I still have projects (1 dress,I-don't-know-how-many samples, 2 research papers), final exams, and work. Stressful much? Verrry much. (OMG. I did not just do that.Very Damon. :>)But despite all that and being sick at this moment, I find myself enjoying it.

I've always known that I work better when I'm cramming. But, when you're an Art or Design Major, it's too risky. You really have to make time for everything, from thinking of the concept/design to the production itself. Although, one can argue that inspiration doesn't come handy all the time. I agree. You can't just put a blank paper in front of you, and expect drawings to come out. You have to surround yourself with different forms of inspiration.

It doesn't have to be an object. It can be a person (which is always the case for people in love haha). It can be a place, an event, or anything. I am someone who doesn't get inspiration easily. But when I do, I can say that my inspired work can be pretty badass. I guess it's about finding the right moment. You'll just know it when you feel it. But sometimes, you have to admit that it's frustrating to wait for that moment, especially when you have a deadline (which is always the case).

I've always wondered how fashion designers come up with their collection at least twice a year. It's hard to come up with one, what more if it's two? And don't forget that you have to start doing them at least 6-12 months before the season. These designs do not appear out of nowhere. Even if sometimes it's not obvious, especially to those who do not really care how the design was made as long as it's pretty, but like everyone else, designers have to inspire it from something/one/where (take your pick).

Studying fashion history has completed that puzzle for me. Most of the famous fashion designers nowadays actually inspire their designs from the past. And it's really amazing when you see a collection and it makes you feel like, 'OMG! This one's from the Crinoline Period.' It's funny when I used to solve for some things I would randomly see due to excessive exposure to Physics, Geometry, and Trigo formulas. I don't remember them anymore, btw. But now, everytime I would see a trend, I would always remember something from the past that I have learned from Fashion History.

History does repeat itself. In this world of modern technology, nothing is original anymore. At some point, you have to go back to your past, look for some ideas, and make it yours. It has always been an issue among our class that there will be times when our designs will be similar to those of the fashion designers that are already in the field, whether or not you're aware of it. But, how do you say that a work is truly yours?

According to a professor from the London College of Fashion, an inspired design can be rightfully yours if you change it in 4 ways (cut,color,shape,construction,details..etc.). Even if a designer can see a resemblance between your work and another designer's, they cannot argue that you are 'stealing' their ideas, because it's not the exactly the same.

I guess it's the way of life. There's always a cycle. Life inspires art inspires life.

**************

Wow. Is this what I get for memorizing almost all the garment components, trends, influences and silhouette changes for the last 20 centuries? Help me, Lord. :))

First of Summer (but not quite)

2010-06-01T00:14:00.000+04:00

ghost of a good thing

2010-05-24T01:56:00.001+04:00

I think it's really time that I find it in my heart to accept that I can't have the 'young love' I've always wanted. That kind of love that will make you reblog sappy love posts on Tumblr. Aside from the fact that I have two years left of my teen years, I guess it wasn't just meant for me. And forcing(an exaggeration) myself into one is not really helping.

In some ways, I felt like my childhood was taken away from me. I was forced to grow up from the moment my parents left my siblings and I in the care of our grandparents. No matter how many times I wasn't able to show that I was growing up by acting recklessly and irresponsibly, I still believe that I did well considering all the circumstances.

I've always been called immature, and that my height can't justify all my claims of being a grown up. One close friend even called me, "Little Big Miss". And even though, I feel that I should somehow get offended by that, it seems fitting. I always look older than people who are older than me because of my height and my built. Hell, I even look older than my own mother (not my fault that she's short). And it's not even because I'm not taking care of myself, or that I don't make an effort to, at least, look my age. It's just that I'm big. Blame it on my dad's genes.

Over the years, I finally accepted that I can't do anything about that. This is me. This is the body that God has given me. I still get upset over it sometimes (acne, weight gain, bad hair days.. all that stuff), but at the end of the day, I am who I am. And I love myself (not in a vain, narcissistic way). I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's. The moment I finally accepted and loved myself for who I am was also the moment that the people around me loved me more.

But, sometimes I feel like I would end up alone. And that scares me a lot. I know I shouldn't be worrying about this just yet. I still have all the time in the world for that. But, what if I won't? And as much as I want to try and make something out of what's left of my heart, there's just no space for that. I'm torn between wanting to seize the moment and wanting to wait for the right one. But, the latter is winning. Simply because, I don't feel anything. I just feel that it's not yet the time. I just know.

And that is why I'm giving up on that dream. I finally have to accept that it's what I want, and not what I need. I know this seems confusing and contradicting, but what I meant by young love is based merely on age. I perfectly know that even old people can have youngest of all kinds of love. Like I said, it's all about what's inside.

I know it's my fault. I know why after all these years, I'm still alone. But, there's no need to tell you why. I feel sad (sort of) that I won't have something to share to my future children/grandchildren about how love was when I was still young. But, maybe finding the right one in the future will make up for that.

Just sayin'

2010-05-17T00:37:00.000+04:00

PALPAK AKO SA PAG-IBIG.

Uncluttering

2010-05-12T01:28:00.000+04:00

I'm okay. I just thought you should know. I've been wandering into this direction for a while now. I have way too many drafts that I seriously want to finish. I miss it here. But, time is not cooperating, as usual. And every time I would want to write something, or the words will finally start flowing, it's either I'm doing something at the moment that I can't just grab a pen and write (say, like dishwashing-- which usually happens), or I'm in a meeting/class. But, when I have the time to sit down, relax, and think about those things that I would want to write, I come up with nothing. I just have a lot of things in mind that I don't know which of them to write or even think about first. Frustrating.

I have some serious uncluttering (decluttering sounds better, right?) to do. But, yes I'm okay. Everything is doing fine. At least, for now. I can't wait for this semester to end. So I can rest rest rest, write write write, shoot shoot shoot, shop shop shop, bond bond bond.. and the list goes on. One more month to go and I'm free!

Meanwhile, you guys might want to check out my serious (or not) photography portfolio. It was supposed to be my tumblr. But, I just can't resist reblogging, until almost all of my posts were reblogs and not my real work. Although, I'm not a professional (yet), I have every intention to be one. And so, I thought having my first ever portfolio would be a good enough background along with the experience that I'm getting/going to get. It used to be just a hobby, but I really am starting to think that it can be more. Paul Macleod really inspired me.

I never believed in what I can do. But now, I think I'm starting to. People always say that I am meant for Fashion Journalism. They see me in magazines as a Fashion Editor or a Fashion Photographer (not that I suck in my classes). But, I still believe in what I can do as a future Fashion Designer. Our teacher always refer to us as fashion designers already. Even my classmates use the title to introduce themselves. I never did. I always say, "Hi. I'm Eura, from Manila, Philippines. Fashion Designer/Photographer-in-the-making."I just feel like it's too soon. Like, I can't use it until I get my diploma already. So if I do use it, I always add the 'future' or 'in-the-making'.

When I try to think of my future in the industry, I never thought of the money or the fame that comes with it. But, I feel how lucky I am for being able to do what I love, and making the people I love proud of what I've become. It has always been my dream to make our country known for its creativity and craftsmanship, especially in this land. And I hope that, one day, I will be able to do so.

I used to get jealous of my friends who are able to do something there( say, like voting, helping out the Ondoy victims..etc.) while I'm in a foreign land doing what I love to do. Yes, you might argue that I can still do those things while I'm here. I can still vote. True. But, the thing is, when the registration was happening, I was here already. The embassy here doesn't register first-time voters. So, as much as I want to, I can't. Anyway, going back, I just remind myself that it's the same thing for them. What I can do here or rather, what I'm trying to do here everyday, they can't do it while they are there. We all have our own ways to try and make our country proud. But, it's different when your outside the country. You really feel that you are in a battlefield, especially when you have to see how they treat some of our kababayans. It will really drive you to that point.

But, all I know is, this is where I want to be. Even though there's a lot (a hell lot) of times when being here gets me down, I still try to face everyday with the hope of becoming what I want to be in my heart and mind. I always think that, everyday I get closer and closer to that dream, and to my home.

If there's something in my life (aside from God's love) that I am sure of right now, it's this. I'm not relying on destiny to do magic and make this happen. I don't think, "What if it doesn't happen?", because the only way that it won't is if I just quit and not do anything. But, I'm not going to. I'm going to make this happen. Watch me.

A light in the darkness

2010-04-19T12:32:00.000+04:00

April 19, 2010 12:30AM

It's been almost a year now. And I ask myself if I'm okay. I guess I am. But, was I really able to heal? Have I faced the things that I've been running from or have I run away from them yet again? It would always seem like I'm invincible. But, the truth is, I'm not. Not ever.

All I ever wanted was to feel. Feel all those emotions I have inside instead of keeping them bottled up. I want to live. Without pretentions, inhibitions. Without limits.

I was never free. Of the regrets, the pain, the sadness. Being single doesn't mean you're free, I've come to realize. There's something holding me back from being truly happy. I have to face it. I'm alone. There may be times when I appreciate being alone, but not always.

I don't want to go through the motions anymore. I don't even how I was able to survive almost a year of going through the same thing over and over again. But, how can you regret something you've wanted before?

A year has passed. And there would be more to come. A friend once told me, 'Don't give up just yet. Sometimes, the best part happens after the worst. It would be worth it. Maybe not today, not next month, not this year. But, who knows what await us?'

So what's keeping me here? Hope.

And in the midst of uncertainty, I found myself remembering your exact words. And as always, it gets me going. It gives me hope. I wish I could believe in myself as much as you do.

In your words, I found the light. I always knew you're a star.

2010-03-30T13:48:00.000+04:00

I still think life is worth it.

2010-03-08T23:23:00.000+04:00

I wish it was real.
I wish we are real.
I wish I'm happy.
I wish I have something, or rather someone, to be happy about.

I wish you were here.

2010-03-07T22:46:00.000+04:00

It's March once again and things are getting... hot.

I'll be back.

2010-03-01T11:23:00.000+04:00

To the BEST LOLO IN THE WORLD,

Happy Happy Birthday! I really miss you. And it's sad that I won't be able to be with you on your birthday. But, you know you're always in my heart. I love you so much. :)

I WILL ALWAYS BE A LOLO'S GIRL. :)

Always love,
Eu :)

one liners

2010-02-23T22:50:00.000+04:00

1.In another life, I could have been you.

2. No matter how much I wanted the change, I'm still not strong enough to embrace it.

3. I wouldn't want this any other way.

4. Never again.

Why am I writing this one liners? It's for those times that I can't make sense of what's happening. For those times that I did things I can't explain, even to myself. But I wouldn't do them, never again. And I never want you to find out.

So, don't dig. She's dead.

2010-02-22T12:17:00.000+04:00

Is that desperation?

half of my heart

2010-02-13T23:10:00.000+04:00

Photo courtesy of http://lovebot.tumblr.com/

What really matters

2010-02-09T23:24:00.000+04:00

7 days.

In seven days, I was able to meet all those people I love again. I was given seven days to play with my little(now a bit grown-up) cousins. I was able to finally be there physically, at least, for my friends. Seven f*cking days, but the best of my 2010, so far. It didn't matter if it was just that.

I felt like crying when I stepped out of the plane. But, I held back the tears as I was keeping myself from laughing. This was it. The fruit of all I've worked hard for the past weeks. And in that moment, the physical, emotional and psychological stress that I've put myself into for the past months didn't matter. It didn't matter if I was carrying a 5-kilograms gym bag and a whole lot of other stuff, and was practically running towards the Immigration desk. Only that moment did.

I was home.

And even though, the time I spent there was really short. It felt good. I used to say that leaving home felt like another piece of myself died. But coming home, well, that felt like I got that piece back. And with coming home, I learned a lot of things.

*No matter how close you are to someone, as time passes, you will eventually drift apart. No matter how much you tried for things to not change between the two of you, well, it has to. No matter how hard you're trying to save the friendship, if you don't feel the same anymore, then there's no point in trying. It's no one's fault, really. It just happened. Life happened. And sometimes, you get left behind.

*There are people in your life that after everything that happened will always, always be there for you. These are those people that despite the fact they have a thesis, exam, plates to finish for the following day, will still party with you. On a weekday. These are those people who will cut class for you, sleep in your home even if they have a major paper due tomorrow, just so that you can bond. And even if it drives me crazy to think that some of my friends actually did that, Oh God, I am so blessed. Thank you.

*There are places you used to know, places you thought you belonged, but in fact, you never did. It was a relief to know that, even if it hurt. But, at least, I won't ever think of what should have been or what could have been if I stayed. I would miss it, though not as much. I guess I'll just remember it as that place that led me to where I truly belong.

*I am okay now.

*I am a self-proclaimed lolo's and lola's girl. Btw, at 18, I'm the eldest grandchild, and yet I'm the most spoiled. Oh, the perks of being the first. Haha.

*I was content, so content with what's going on in my life. I got everything I ever wanted. Everything went well despite the circumstances. But, I knew that there's still something that's missing. And then, you came along. And I realized that I don't have everything..yet. I guess it's too naive of me to think like that.

For some time, I even thought that I'm not meant for this. That I would be spending my whole life with my family, friends, and my career. That I would forever be surrounded by clothes, photographs, colors, and brushes. I never imagined myself with my own family in my own home and with the person I truly love. This seems pretty serious, but this is how I feel about you. About us. About how we will be. I just know. It's you. It has always been you.

"I love you enough to wait no matter how long it will take you to come out of your shell."

And maybe someday I will look back on this entry with your arms wrapped around me as we both read what was going on in my heart at this time. If so, then I would like you to know that I love you today, and for the rest of our lives.

If not, and you happen to stumble across this, it's okay. You will always be one of the best memories. And if we don't end up together, that would be so sad. But, I hope that you're happy with her. Whoever she is.

But, if you're still single at this time, please find me. Let's have coffee. Haha.

Bottomline: I'll be waiting, Phowhz. *

I found that the most used words in this entry are, 'no matter'. But, this entry is what really matters. Oh, the irony. I feel like I've bared so much of my heart tonight. But, it doesn't matter. I just feel so..free. I feel like flying.

Closer

2010-01-25T23:47:00.000+04:00

I can feel it. Freedom is just three days away. Swee-eet.

I won't be long. Wait for me.

23

2010-01-09T18:06:00.000+04:00

“I want to believe in it all again..music and art…fate and love, and I want to believe that I’ve made the right choices, and I’m still on the right path, and there’s still time to fix some mistakes I’ve made….I guess I want hope.”
— One Tree Hill

It's really funny how fate plays with all of us. I was browsing through my Tumblr Dashboard while listening to Jimmy Eat World's 23 after not being able to listen to it for a long time, when I found this quote. And then I realized that I was having one of those moments again. Remember that moment I told you about? That one when you stumble across something that hits home unexpectedly?

And I got the feeling that came with the moment. It was there, but not long enough. It was fleeting. Just a glimpse. and I was afraid that maybe I'm losing it. Or maybe I'm just over-reacting. But, I wanted it so badly. Though it did drive me to do something, in this case, blogging. Maybe if I tried to translate them into words, they would mean something. I could decipher what the quote and the song wanted to tell me. Maybe I would get answers.

But lately, I'm getting tired of giving meaning to every single thing that has been happening to me. Every feeling, Every thought. I guess we all need help sometimes.

I wish you were still a call or an sms away. Or better yet, a hug away. I miss you, Es.

unspoken

2010-01-07T22:18:00.000+04:00

“Writing is a form of therapy. Sometimes I wonder how all those who do not
write, compose or paint can manage to escape the madness, the melancholia, the
panic fear which is inherent in the human situation.”
— Graham Greene

No wonder I've been writing a lot this past few days. I wish I could also do some art that is non-school related. I really really miss photography and doodling. I want to do so many things but time is just not cooperating. I told myself that what I really want to accomplish this year is effective time management. We're already a week into the new year, and yet, I feel like I haven't been doing so well with managing my time. It's like I'm always running out of it. And it really pains me whenever I have no choice, but to put the less important things above the most important ones just because they have a deadline.

But, I wonder how I'm able to put aside all those things I need to do at some point, and fill this empty space with my thoughts and feelings. I'm not complaining though, just plain curious. I believe that this, in a way, is a form of art. I mean, they're words put together to convey a meaning, a message. Or sometimes, an escape, a release for most people. But, nonetheless, what you put into writing can inspire someone to create his or her own art. And I think that's one of the best things about blogging.

I love getting that feeling when you stumble across something that describes exactly how you feel, and that feeling drives you to do something you've never done before. I usually get that from random quotes and song lyrics. I guess that's one of the reasons why I love music so much. They can tell you things, make you feel things, that you never know you can. It makes you feel more real, alive. I wish I could paint that feeling.

I wish I could do so much more. I wish I could tell you how I really feel.

But, I can tell you one thing. I blog so much recently, because it's like going home after a very tiring day. But, even if I tell you that, you still wouldn't know.

lights will guide you home

2010-01-07T00:22:00.000+04:00

I was afraid that if I go back, I'd never want to leave again.

Muse

2010-01-06T01:08:00.000+04:00

I was browsing through the web a few minutes ago looking for the definition of muse. I've been using this word for so long, and yet, it was only now that I knew its real meaning. I remember using this word for the first time for my Finals plate for Typography last year wherein we have to think of a brand name and create its logo.

So, I was on the phone with Es, and we were choosing the brand names that we're going to use. At that time, I was so in love with Kate Moss, and I was planning to use her last name for the project. But, I wanted something more original, so I added an 'e' at the end of 'Moss'. Mosse. Hmm. Then I suddenly thought of Muse.
It was one of those moments in your life when you feel a sudden spark within you, as if that thing alone holds all the answers in the world. From then on, even after that project, the name stuck with me.

I once told myself that I would name my own line after that. Or whatever business I'll have. May it be about photography, fashion or magazine. But, I found out that there's a magazine in Italy that's named Muse. So, too bad. And, obviously, since I'm taking up Fashion right now, maybe I would use it for my line. But who knows, right? Maybe I can use it for both. I just hope that I'd be the first one to do it. It would really kill me if someone will use it before me.
Anyway, back to the story, I found that a muse is a source of inspiration of an artist. A poet, lyricist, musician, painters..whoever. I already know that. But, I felt like it was my first time to actually know its meaning.

You see, I was planning to use this word again for my homework, wherein we have to design a motif/logo that describes us. Kind of similar to what we have done in Typography before. But, I reconsidered. First of all, I don't know how I'd explain this tomorrow. For those people who knows me, Facebook friends and Tumblr followers, they wouldn't question me if I use this, because it's my Tumblr username, and my Pet Society name in Facebook. So, it's like it has become my trademark or something.

Tomorrow, we would be describing ourselves through an object, the motif. I don't even know how to describe myself. Every time someone asks me straight-forwardly, I always fumble at the answer. It's that one question that I always can't answer in the way I want to. I don't know how to start, what to say, and how to say it. I always feel like I have to hide some parts of me that I feel like they won't accept or that might make them raise their eyebrows. So, I always choose to play safe. I don't lie but, I'm not saying the entire truth either.

Muse has become a big part of my life already. And it would not be enough to describe me, no matter how much I love it. It's like if you relate me to the word, I won't be able to give justice to its real meaning, the same way that it can't give justice to me.

They defined muse as someone who is a source of inspiration. Am I a source of inspiration?
No. Not yet. But, pouring my heart out in this entry made me understand myself more. And also, it gave me an idea of what to say tomorrow. Hopefully, it would come from the heart.

It's nearly 2 am and I still have to finish this. Two more homeworks to go. Anyway, I'll leave you with another quote, because I'm a quote and lyric whore. Muse on this, my friendsssz! Yaalah bye!

"Use your mind to flourish within self-imposed restrictions. Find your own
muse within your little world. "-Beaman Cole

Never forget.

2010-01-03T00:20:00.000+04:00

To start the year, I would be writing super random things about me, how I feel right now, how I feel about something OR someone right now, or whatever it is that will come into my mind. This may seem totally crazy and yet another lame attempt to start a blog entry, but just roll with me.

Btw, this is not a game. I was just in the mood. But, you're free to do the same if you want. :)

1. I'm in love with..Art. :) So in love that I work from 10am-10pm straight. By work, I mean school.

2. I googled the spelling of CURIOSITY a few minutes ago. Haha. Fail.

3. I'm looking forward to something. Something that would make a lot of people happy, not just me. :)

4. I love Jack's Mannequin. I've been a fan since highschool. Of all the bands I love, they're THAT band I love the most. Their lyrics are just inspiring. Whenever I feel down, unspired or whatever, their songs keep me going.

5. I'm a lyrics kind of girl when it comes to music. I don't care much about the genre. If I find the lyrics really really catchy, I go for it.

6. I hate being told what to do. Hey. Who doesn't?

7. I'm one hell of a stress-eater.

8. You. I hate to say this but, I miss you.

9. Why do you keep coming back? But, will you really stay this time?

10. I really really hate it when I miss out on the most important things.

11. It's been too long. Way too long.

12. It's sad to know that you're one of my regrets, and another evidence of how foolish I've been the past year.

13. I hate keeping people out, but sometimes, you just have to.

14. I shuffled my library at exactly 12.00 last December 31, and asked what will happen to me this year. I got Fix You-Coldplay. I just hope you're right.

15. I badly need a vacation.

16. I want to cut my hair.

17. I miss having you. Don't ask why. I just do.

2009 for me was a stepping stone to a lot of opportunities. If I could describe this year using music lyrics, I would get it from Fix You-Coldplay. Yeah, the same song I got for this year. Mind you, it's hard for me to choose out of all the music lyrics that I love. But, it's this line that would make me remember how my 2009 went:

"But if you never try then you'll never know, just what you're worth."

And I guess that was one of the many things that 2009 did for me. I found my soul. The truest essence of who and what I am. With all that went on this year, I've learned so much. Simple things yet the most important ones. But, the most important thing is to never forget. No matter how busy life can be, we should always remember that the most important part of our lives is the people we love. It's not what we have, it's who we have. They're all that matters.

2009 has taught us that life is really short. People can die in a blink of an eye. So, let's all be grateful that He has given us and our loved-ones another year to live and be with each other.

I should say, 2009 changed my life. It may sound like an exaggeration, but really, it did. I may always say that there are times that I regret those things that I've done that led me here. But looking back on all that happened, all that I have gained, it was all worth it.

There were lots of things that happened last year that I never thought was possible, but they still happened. And I will forever be grateful. I hope you found something or even someone that you will forever be grateful for last year. And I hope you'd never lose them. But even if the time comes that they have to go, like I said, never forget.

No matter how hard this year has been for me, and for most people, remember that those things that you will never forget are not those that you get for free, it's those things that made you work hard. Those things that made you weak, that made you cry. Those things that made you strong.

I pray that this year will be better for all of us. 2009 has reached its end, but I hope that in this year, the laughter and tears of the past year will always be in our hearts.

I wish you all a happy new year, even if it's late.

“May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I
hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and
don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only
you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.”
— Neil Gaiman

picking up pace

2009-12-09T23:04:00.000+04:00

Sometimes, I wish there was a device that can immediately type those things in your mind that you'd want to remember. Say, things that are worth-blogging. I don't know why I find the right words at the wrong time. And when I get the chance to relax, clear my mind, and try to write something, I am at loss for words. So, why am I here, really?

If you're going to ask me, that's quite a broad question. Something you can't answer with a single word. Something that might even take you years to fully comprehend. For a simple question, it's a deep one, if you really try to think about it. The answer could be anything. Does it matter, whatever your answer is? Yes, it does.

I find myself thinking about this lately, and somehow, I think I've reached that point. And I almost gave up. It felt like I've been having the same questions over and over, the same ones that even up to now, I still can't answer. I just know that I have to be here. And it seems like no matter what I do, or where I go, it will always find its way to me.

I left everything behind, hoping to start over. A clean slate, if you will. I turned my back on it already. When I got here, I had the choice to not take it. But, for the second time, I did.

I found that on my Tumblr earlier this week. And I believe in that. And I think that I'm pretty lucky that it came back, that it keeps coming back. Like I said, I've thrown it away because of something that was not even worth it. And I regretted it. There were times when I ask myself how I could ever do that. How I could just throw my dreams away, those dreams that I promised myself since I was a kid, that I will achieve one day.

But, it has already been done. And there's nothing I can do to take it back. All I can do now is make it better. I still have it. So, I'm not going to throw it again. Not this time.

Thinking about everything that has been done gave me a spark of hope. It fueled the fire within me. It reminded me how blessed I am to get another shot. It reminded me of why I am here and the things want to accomplish.

I believe that doubt is a gift. Doubt is a thin line between certainty and uncertainty, I once read. When you find yourself at a crossroads, doubt will always find you. It’s like your turning point from you old perspective to the new one. Despite still having so many questions, I find myself going on. And right now, things are better.

It's funny that in just a blink of an eye, a lot of things can change. It's funny how the odds can suddenly go your way. I was about to admit defeat. I was about to accept that I'm losing this part of the game. But, hardwork really does pay off.

I find myself getting my head back in the game. Well, prepare yourself. You ain't seen nothing yet. I'm just picking up pace.

when your own words fail you

2009-12-06T23:14:00.000+04:00

Bottled up

2009-12-03T22:27:00.000+04:00

As much as I want to keep this entry, and this whole blog for that matter, as happy or rather light as possible, I just can't. I'm not saying that it should be happy at all times, because hey, I can't and am not happy all the time. I just don't want it..dark.

One of the many reasons that I abandoned my previous blog is because of the atmosphere. And a few other things. Things that even up to now I can't come to terms with. Let's just say that it was a time in my life that I badly want to forget. The kind that all you want to remember are the experiences and their outcomes and not really why you have to deal with them in the first place. Let's just leave it at that.

Anyway, as far as I can remember, when I made this blog, I told myself that this will be very different from the previous one. I wanted it to be of love, dreams, hope, and life. Totally different from the former. I just want it filled with sunshine, even if I'm almost always surrounded by clouds. Though, I'm not limiting myself. As you can see, I still post some entries not of that nature from time to time.

But, I think this kind of thinking has grown on me. I'm known for being so open and loud especially when it comes to my emotions, and most of the time, all over the place. Scandalous, if you may. But, not wild. If I have a problem or if something happened to me, almost everyone I know, knows about it. It's just how I am. But, a few years back, I've finally learned to keep some things to myself and to a few close people.

If you can see me now, you probably won't recognize me at first glance. Sure, I look the same. Well, except for the hair color and my figure. Haha. But, I'm just different. People who just knew me recently always tell me, "Buti ka pa. Parang wala kang problema. Ang saya saya mo kasi lagi eh." You're dead wrong. I may not be carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, but I also have things that I need to deal with.

You don't know how much, just how much, I'm missing everyone back home. You don't know that, even though everything is going so well right now, there's still a part of me that wonders how I got here. And that sometimes, I wish that I've done something about it. I wish that I didn't do those things I've done.

You don't know much I really ache inside. You don't know how painful it is to see two people hold each other's hands, or just hold each other. You don't know hard it is to just smile at you, when all I really want to do is hug you and let you hold me, and take all this pain away. You don't know that I secretly despise watching romantic tv shows/movies, listening to love songs, and reading romance fiction just because.

And sometimes, I can't help but feel a little bit of bitterness. I was hurt, so so hurt. And yet, I was left to heal my own wounds. I had help, and I will forever be grateful to those people. But, sometimes, you can't help but wonder why others were lucky enough to have theirs healed easily. And you start thinking that you weren't good enough.

A part of my soul died after everything that happened. Sure, I was able to go through all of that. And right now, I'm certain that all those pieces of me that I've lost are now found. I never felt regret when I left. I knew then that I would deal with times like this. But, leaving everything, everyone behind, that felt like another piece died as well.

What hurts me the most is the fact that I can't talk about what I'm feeling. All of these feelings are just bottled up inside of me. I feel like my chest is going to explode any moment now. I plurked once:

It's hard to be vulnerable around people you don't know. People who think that
you're strong. People who think that you're happy all the time.

I have all the pieces. But I'm not whole. I just can't seem to put them back together. Like, I don't know how the puzzle should look like anymore. I don't want to wait anymore. But, if I have to, I will. I'd do anything to be whole again.

Do you know where your love is? Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong but, nothing's turned out how you wanted.
-Say(All I Need);One Republic

Refresh.

2009-12-01T14:16:00.000+04:00

I must admit I'm failing(again) to update this. And this place badly needs a renovation. Oh, time, why can't you cooperate with me? I bet you guys are probably sick of visiting this. I am too, don't worry. :))

I will update soon. Sooner, I hope. I really miss this.

I need to go home.

Change of scenery

2009-10-24T17:33:00.001+04:00

Like I said in my previous entry, I have so many things to blog about. But, so much time has passed and I don't know if I can still write about what happened during my hiatus. So instead of delaying, I've decided to start writing again, even though I don't know how I would start this. I realized that if I delay again, then I would have a more difficult time to get back on track. So, I'll start writing now. :)

The Ondoy-Pepeng Aftermath
In a span of a month, a lot has changed. And not just with me, with the whole country as well. Whenever I look back, I wonder if they really happened within a month. Of course, I'm talking about the typhoons that hit our country. Hard. Not just one, btw. Ondoy and Pepeng. I know that this is old news already. Everyone heard about what happened. Even if it's already done, it still did a lot of damage that a lot of Filipinos are experiencing now. And, really, the new typhoon is not helping. It's like hearing Mother Nature say, 'Payback's a bitch.' I didn't experience what most of you did first-hand, I still feel sympathy and concern for everyone. You would think that I'm lucky for being in one of the hottest places on Earth, but at that time, I'd rather be with my loved-ones experiencing the hardships they went through. No one was spared form this tragedy. I just hope that we have a huge amount of resilience to get through this. I know we do. Filipinos always pull through. :)

On School
As for the present, school has started. Thank God. I don't know if I can handle another month of practically doing nothing. I really missed being busy. I missed the stress that comes with schoolwork. You would think that I'm crazy for feeling that way, and I guess it's true. But, seriously, you really would go crazy after 6 months of no school/work. As much as I hate it sometimes, I now really and fervently believe that school is important. Not that I don't believe in that before. ;)

They say you don't learn the most important things in life in school. But, come to think of it, a great portion of your life is dedicated to school. Making friends, respecting the authority, obeying rules, being yourself, and even love.

I remember asking my Geometry teacher back in junior year why we need to study Algebra and Geometry. I mean, it's not like we'll use it on a daily basis. It's impractical, in my opinion. You don't really encounter a very difficult Geometry problem, those that require a formula, everyday. She paused for a moment and smiled. And then she simply said that what I said was true and that I really had a good point, but the most important things that we learn from it are patience, perseverance, hardwork, and discipline.

And I think that, it's the same for school. It's a training ground for the future. You don't and most probably, you won't really remember all those lessons/formulas that you worked hard to memorize/learn by heart before. I honestly don't. But, what we will remember is the experience, the hardships, if you may, that we encountered while trying to learn. They're within us. You may not remember exactly what happened, but you will always remember how it felt.

And the funny thing is, Math actually has a role in Fashion. I mean, aside from the knowledge that you should have to take measurements, there are also formulas to make the patterns. I never knew that until our professor taught us. And I had a flashback. Back to when I asked my Geom teacher why we need to study Geom and Algebra. Yup, the one above. I remember asking that because I know that Math won't be playing a big role in art(the career path I wanted to take at that time). Like I said, you wouldn't encounter such things everyday. And I had to laugh at the memory. Clearly, I never thought that this day would come. As you can see, I'm no fan of numbers. But, I owe my patience, hardwork, and perseverance to Math, so I'll be forever grateful. I don't know with discipline, though. ;)

What I'm addicted to now
I never thought that I'd fall in love with another vampire novel. I actually swore that Twilight would forever be the only vampire book that I will love, until I bit into The Vampire Academy Series by Richelle Mead. I know. It screams boring. At first, the title seemed unappealing to me. And so was the book cover. For a book geek, I should have known better than to judge a book by its cover. Literally. I remember passing by those books in a local bookstore and thought that they were Twilight wanna be's. And I swore that I would never read them.Ever.

I was bored then. And I already read all the books I have here hundreds, thousands of times. So I gave in. I borrowed the very battered copy from my sister who borrowed it from her classmate. I was instantly hooked. I can't put it down. The only time I did was when we had to eat or when I had to go to the bathroom.

Anyway, I fell in love. And for the first few days, it hurt me to say that it was really better than Twilight. Aside from the fact that it's so overrated already. But, seriously, The Twilight Series sound so boring compared to them. The plot is so amazing. It's full of emotion and action. So full of life and love.

As for the characters, I must say, Edward Cullen won't stand a chance with Dimitri Belikov. He's strong, caring, and wonderful. He's hot as a Greek god, and he's Russian. He suits his role perfectly, a dhampir, or more popularly known as, a guardian. A twenty-four year-old badass guardian at that. *swoons*

On the other hand, Rose Hathaway can kick Bella Swan's ass, because she's scorchingly-hot, goddess-like, fierce, reckless, strong and loving at the same time. She's the best guardian among those her age. And protective when it comes to Lissa, her bestfriend and charge. She's the kind of girl you wouldn't want to mess with. I guess I'm just tired of the 'damsel-in-distress' character of Bella. I'm hungry for more action and romance. Haha. And Rose was able to satisfy that.

And lastly, Lissa, or Princess Vasilisa Dragomir, a Moroi Princess, the only one left of the Dragomir line. Like most Moroi, Lissa is supermodel-slim, tall, irresistible, and very very beautiful. She's the opposite of Rose. She's soft-spoken, poised at all times, and very delicate. Like how royals should always act.

I pretty much suck at summaries, so I'm just going to copy the one at the back of the book. :)) No copyright intended. Everything belongs to Richelle Mead.

Lissa Dragomir is a Moroi princess: a mortal vampire with an unbreakable bond to the earth's magic. She must be protected at all times from Strigoi; the fiercest and most dangerous vampires--the ones who never die.

The powerful blend of human and vampire blood that flows through Rose Hathaway, Lissa's best friend, makes her a Dhampir; she is dedicated to a dangerous life of protecting Lissa from the Strigoi, who are hell-bent on making her one of them.After two years of illicit freedom, Rose and Lissa are caught and dragged back to St. Vladimir's Academy, hidden in the deep forests of Montana. Rose will continue her Dhampir education. Lissa will go back to being Queen of the elite Moroi social scene. And both girls will resume breaking hearts.

Fear made Lissa and Rose run away from St. Vladimir's--but their world is fraught with danger both inside and out of the Academy's iron gates. Here, the cutthroat ranks of the Moroi perform unspeakable rituals and their secretive nature and love of the night creates an enigmatic world full of social complexities. Rose and Lissa must navigate through this dangerous world, confront the temptation of forbidden romance, and never once let their guard down, lest the Strigoi make Lissa one of them forever...

How the three characters relate is for you to find out. ;) If you want an excerpt from the first book, click here. You will also find the excerpt of the other 3 books there. There are actually 5, but the 5th and 6th are not out yet. And it's killing me. :

Anyway, for those who will decide to try this series, I hope you'll enjoy and love it as much as I do. It's really interesting. It will make your heart beat faster than it ever did before. ;)

Btw, I'm not getting paid to do this. ;)

So, I'll just shut up now, because I'm probably annoying you at this point. I don't know how this entry started on a serious note, and then slowly sounded like an advertisement. I'm so so sorry if you think this is a waste of blog space and time! :)) I'll try to write more productively next time. But, I don't know when that next time will be. I'm going to be pretty busy because of the Arabia Fashion Expo next week. I'll tell you guys all about that in my next entry.

Wish me luck though! Not that I'm showcasing my designs in the exhibit. ;) But we have an entire collection to finish that should be inspired from the events of the Fashion Expo. I hope I'll be creative enough to come up with something really good. Let's all hope that I'll do something great to save my ass from low grades and failure. And maybe even disgrace. :))

Anyway, I'll end this now. I wish you all a great weekend now that you're on sembreak, well, for most schools. Bye! :)

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

2009-10-19T23:42:00.000+04:00

I know, I know. I haven't been able to update in ages. I will, but not now. To say that everything's been going and has gone crazy would be an understatement. But, I promise to update you really soon, once I get used to this world I'm in right now. I'm getting by. It's been great. And I hope that, whoever you are, you've been great as well. :)

Anyway, I'll come back. That's what I do best, right? ;) For real, this time.

But for now, miss me. ;)

Wake up

2009-09-15T17:20:00.000+04:00

286 new responses

I sighed. I browsed through all of the 286 new responses before finally clicking the 'Mark all as read' button. Still no sign of you going online. So, I logged out of my Plurk account for the nth time. I don't know how many times I log in and out of my social networking sites everyday. Probably, a hundred? Or maybe even more.

For the past five months, the Internet has become my life. We're inseparable now. I guess, because it's the only way that I can connect with my family and friends. Sometimes, I wish I was back there with them. Scowling at the rain, cramming my plates, sleepless nights, lunch dates, New York cheesecake thursdays, bus rides home, family get-togethers on Sundays, and all those things I used to do before I decided to give self-exile living a try.

I shoved that thought away, knowing that it will do me no good. For the past few days, I know,or rather, I feel that I'm going deeper and deeper into this depressing state of mine. And thinking about how much I'm missing a lot of things, places and people wouldn't help that. I badly want pills to help me take my mind off of some things, to numb that feeling inside my chest. But, I can't get them unless they're prescribed. Lately, I have this urge to go back to old habits. Habits that died a long time ago, but it seem like they're finding their way back. But, don't you worry, I'm trying my hardest to avoid them at all costs.

I guess I just need space. A break from all my chores, eldest daughter responsibilities, and my parents. I badly want to shut them off even for just a while. The last time I asked for space, my mom laughed at me, and my dad got mad. They asked me why I can't tell them what my problem is. Well, thing is, I just really need to get out of the house. I need to clear my head. I need to do something that doesn't involve them. I need to be on my own, to be with others whom I don't see everyday. Up until now, I still don't get why they can't understand that. From then on, I never asked for space. If I can still endure, I will.

Sometimes, I wish I were a different person. There were lots of times when I'd zone out, and just think about characters from the books I've read, from the movies and tv shows I've watched, and just imagine how my life would be if it were fiction too. At least, things are happening for them, different things, not the same sh*t everyday. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I wish for that sometimes. We can't always be rational. I must be losing my head, but what the hell. This is better than going through the same reality everyday.

I guess this is what being in a coma feels like. You never do anything but be unconscious of your world, your self, and all those people waiting for you to wake up. You can't do anything but follow what the machine is telling your body to do. You feel time passing you by with each beep from your heart monitor. And as it goes by, you feel more and more helpless. You feel that you have to do something, but you can't, because you're stuck.

Every moment is crucial, because one false move might take your life away. Those who love you pray, pray that you may be strong to go through this, to not let go. But, all you can do is wait. Wait and wait for the moment you open your eyes, the moment you wake up, because that's when you're life starts again.

I placed my phone's music player(since, I don't have my iPod anymore) on shuffle and asked, What will I do next? I clicked.

Wake Up- Coheed and Cambria

It's about time.

Seventeen no more

2009-09-11T14:08:00.000+04:00

I missed out on writing my 18th birthday post yesterday, so I'm going to write now. :)

I woke up early because I wanted to catch the episode of TFC Connect, where I requested them to ask Jake Cuenca to greet me on my birthday. I was so excited, because my parents told me that they watched the previous episode, and Bianca Gonzalez, the host, said that one of their bloggers will be surprised by Jake Cuenca the next day. I wasn't able to sleep that much last night, because I was hoping that the surprise was meant for me. But, it wasn't. It was for another blogger from North Carolina. Sad. But, it's okay. I really didn't expect it to happen. I just really gave it a shot. :)

Things were pretty normal that day. Though, I was so busy, because my sister's friends were coming over. And since we don't have a maid, I cleaned the house, and helped prepare the food for my birthday dinner that night at my Tita's house.

Surprisingly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Actually, it wasn't bad at all. I'm happy, up until now. :) I love how my friends took the time to greet me despite all their busy schedules. Plurking their greetings, posting on my FB wall, im-ing me on Multiply and Y!M. It really made my day. It was so overwhelming. My laptop was open from morning till night. I had a major headache, but it's okay. It was worth it. :)

Although, some of you may not be able to read this, thank you friends for making this one of the best birthdays ever. I can never thank you guys enough. These words will never be enough. You just proved to me that our friendship has stood the distance. Thank you. :)

And of course, my family made my day as well. Mom didn't go to work and spent the whole day looking for my favorite cheesecake. You may think that was easy, but no, it wasn't. It's still Ramadan, so all of the shops, especially restaurants, cafes, bakeshops and the like are closed for the day because of the fasting. Thank you Mom for trying your best. I appreciate it. I really do. :) And thank you for buying me my first tripod. I don't deserve it, I know. I haven't been practicing my photography for a while. Thank you for spoiling me. ;)

Dad, on the other hand, went home as fast as he could, and managed to get into a small car accident, because he was hurrying to get home and cook. Thank you Daddy, even if it injured your beloved Tintoy (yeah, he named our car :)) ), and for agreeing to take us to Ski Dubai later, even if I know that you hate driving to Dubai. Thank you. And for Jake ( yes, I named my camera after Jake Cuenca, because I'm so obsessed. Haha. I'm a fan girl. ;) ) too. :)

As for my sibbies, the greeting was enough. Thank you even if you guys make fun of me always. As in, always. ;))

And let's not forget my family back in the PH. Thank you for sending your love through a package which I received last week, with all my favorite DVDs, a new hoodie, a new pair of jeans, and new tops. :) I loved them!

Oh, and Tita Yhet, for my favorite cheesecake! I haven't opened it. I'm actually planning to preserve it until my next birthday. Kidding! I'm not sharing though. Boo, Eunice and Edrick. :P

I should say that it was a blast. Thank you again! :) I love you all. XOXO! :)

I close my eyes, and make a wish, hoping you'll remember.

And you did. Thank you. I really did saved the best for last. And you were right, you made this birthday happier, even if you made me tampo the whole day. :)

Eighteen is not bad after all. :)

A fine line between

2009-09-09T11:55:00.000+04:00

As much as I don’t want to, I can feel it coming. My eighteenth year. I can feel myself change. At least not physically.

I feel like a musician off to her first-ever concert after spending so many days preparing for the big event.

I feel like a bride on her wedding day, anxiously waiting for the entourage to finish, as I prepare myself to walk down the aisle, hand on my father’s arm, to be with the one I love, and to mark the start of our new life together.

Jitters. Nerves. Whatever. In my case, 18th birthday jitters. Aside from that, this is something I can never escape from. I can’t back out.

If you’re a musician and have spent so many days and nights rehearsing for the big day, you wouldn’t waste all of that by backing out. You would go on. The show must go on.

If you’re a bride and have spent months planning the perfect wedding for you and your groom, you wouldn’t waste all of that by backing out, either. Regardless, you would go on, because this is what you want, he is who you want to be with, and you love him. Unless, he’s not.

As always, you have the choice, whether to take it on or escape from it all.
But, I don’t have the choice. This day would pass by like any other day whether I like it or not.

What’s the big deal, anyway? It’s just a day. So, you turn eighteen. What’s there to be upset about? You may be wondering why. Believe it or not, I’m not upset. I never was. I just wasn’t excited like before.

When I was 15 or 16, I wanted to be 18. Being in an exclusive school for girls, I’ve witnessed and have been to a lot of debutante parties of my friends. I even helped plan some of them. The whole world was turning 18, while I was just turning 16 or 17. I’ve always been the youngest, even though my height doesn’t really say that. I can go in a bar without being asked for an id. I can buy alcohol and cigarettes without the sales person asking me how old I am. I’ve always looked like I’m older or of the same age as my friends because of my height. But, I never complained about that. I love being tall.

Anyway, to those who know me back in the day (and not that far back), you would know what makes me happy, giddy, and psyched like no other. Parties. Specifically, 18th birthday parties. That was probably my hot button at the time.

I just love everything about it. The excuse to buy new dresses and to dress up, wearing kick-ass stilettos even if it hurts as long as you look amazing, the late night after parties, the food, the alcohol afterwards or even in between, dancing, picture perfect moments, and of course, simply bonding with your friends. Even though, you get to see each other everyday, the bond is just different when you’re outside and just having fun without worrying about teachers, seat works, lessons, home works, projects, and all of that school stuff.

I guess that was what made me dream to have one. And I did have one. But it was celebrated five months before my actual birthday. Although, it wasn’t really in lieu of my birthday, it was because of my departure the following day. It didn’t go the way I planned. I remember having it all planned during my senior year for a project in Events Management. I told my parents all about it ten months before my birthday, and they were supportive. They wanted it for me as much as I did.

So many things have changed in a span of two years. I would have had the debut I wanted so badly if things didn’t change. But, they have to. And I’m not sorry, nor do I regret it. I used to think that things were perfect as they appear to be.

From the moment that the rug was pulled from underneath my feet, and it dawned on me that my life wasn’t perfect as I thought it was, I changed. I didn’t realize how much it would alter me forever. Being away from my parents when I needed them most, losing someone I loved, losing some people I thought were my friends, being so caught up in the world that I forgot about myself, and losing it in the process. It felt like the whole universe conspired to make me miserable.

But, I didn’t give in. I almost did. That’s why I would forever be thankful to those who stayed by my side through all of that, old friends or new, you know that I wouldn’t make it without all of you. Darkness overwhelmed me. But, as they say, without it we wouldn’t be able to see the stars. Thank you for being those stars.

Right now, I’m still not excited, but somehow, I feel like I’m warming up a little. Fine. I’m looking forward to it, not because of what I’m going to do or what I’m going to get, but because of the chance that God gave me to make new memories with those I love, new opportunities and challenges, and more days for me to reach my dreams.

A few days back, I thought I wasn’t ready. But, what I really wasn’t ready for was to let go of seventeen. It may seem silly, I know. But, it’s that important. Then, I thought that there really wouldn’t be any difference. Like I said, the day would go on. And, so would I. The memories of my seventeenth year may fade when the time comes, but my heart won’t forget. My life changed when I was seventeen. It may not be a big one. But, it taught me a lot of things.
And because of that, I know I would be prepared for the days ahead, for my eighteenth year. And I will rock it. I’m ready.

I already know how to run. I guess it’s time that I learn to take it all on.

Don't say you haven't been warned

2009-09-02T22:38:00.000+04:00

I'm just posting because I think that this is the perfect time to post, like this is the only chance I'll get. I just really feel like it. Never mind that I have to miss an episode of Tayong Dalawa for this. Hahaha. I really don't have anything in particualr to say, so this is going to be really random.

Think outside the box. I got this from Miley Cyrus' Miles To Go. And let me just tell you, it's an awesome book. Hands down, Miley Cyrus. Who would've thought that you have it in you? By it, I mean, being an inspiring teenage author. Some may say that she's way too young to be writing about her life. I'm actually one of those people who thought of that the moment I found out that she wrote a book. But, with everything that's going on in her life right now, I wouldn't blame her for writing about it. I know Miley Cyrus ( not personally, though I wish I do) as an actress and a singer-songwriter, a celebrity. But I've never really knew Miley Cyrus, the teenager, the person behind the Hannah Montana character. I guess, to sum it all up, I'll have to say that Miley has a really good heart. It's no wonder that a lot of things are happening for her at such a young age.
Her story is really of inspiration. I actually got four pages of quotes from the book. I'll share them here next time.

Off to other 'interesting' stories..

Right now, everyone in the house except for my mom and I, are sick. It started when my sister caught some suspicious virus from school. She got colds and cough, plus fever. After a few days, my dad got the same virus from my sister. And after that, my brother got it too. We're actually scared that it might be the A(H1N1) virus, because another student from their school got it while she was in the Philippines. I don't know how she got in. What with all the airport security going on in here. I think, from what I've heard, that she only noticed the symptoms a few days after their arrival. So, clearly, the poor girl has no idea.

With all that going on inside the house, my mom and I are really worried and extra careful, so as not to catch that virus. We've been taking lots of vitamins and eating more fruits and veggies. At this moment, my brother is the only one left with the virus. Hope you get well soon, brad. :)

Aside from Miles to Go, I recently acquired the very last copy of A Walk To Remember by Nicholas Sparks that I can find here in the UAE. I've been to every bookstore in Dubai and Abu Dhabi, because I've really been wanting to read it since I watched it again a few weeks ago. Never mind that I had to run and get lost inside Ikea, because it was the only way from the bookstore to the supermarket where the rest of the family are, to get money. It sure was worth it. I'm one happy girl. :D Along with that, I also bought Brida by Paulo Coelho, which is also a great book.

Right now, I'm saving up for The Alchemist, the Gossip Girl series, and some Jodi Picoult books. I only have the e-books, and it's really killing my eyesight to read them from my phone every night. By the way, I don't know if it's out in the Philippines yet but, there are new versions of the Gossip Girl books and they have seriously awesome new book covers. More awesome than the latest ones I found in the bookstores in the Philippines.
As you can see, the only books that I brought with me are my battered Twilight series, and my Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I regret not bringing the other books I have back at home, because J.K Rowling and Stephenie Meyer can really drive you crazy if you read their books over and over again. I swear. C'mon, we still need a dose of reality from time to time.

Being the bored person that I am right now, aside from the books I have mentioned above, can you suggest other books that I can read during my free time, which is all the time? :) Suggestions will be highly appreciated. Forgive me, though, for the lack of a comments box. I've figured out its problem, but I can't find a way to fix it. Anyway, for the meantime, just click on that 'i answer' link on my profile box, and you can write your comments there. Or, as always, you are free to leave a message on my tagboard. :)

//

Faster than a shooting star, baby you stole my heart.

It’s okay. I’m surprised at myself for being so contented with everything that’s happening between us. I’m happy to be called your friend. At least, I was that. It could have been nothing. Some may not understand why I feel that way. Wouldn’t I want to be more?

Believe me, I do. But, there’s time for that. And it’s not yet right now. We still have a lot to figure out. I only wish that it wouldn’t be too late, that I wouldn’t be too late.

Sometimes, I feel like you can see right through me. Like you know how I feel about you. But, you’re just taking the time, like what I’m doing now. And it’s okay if you still don’t want to tell me everything. It’s enough for me to know that you know and feel that I’m always here for you.

I love the fact that you want to spend time with me. Even though, we don’t know yet when or if it will ever happen. Just the fact that you want to, and that you look forward to it makes me really happy.

I love it when you tell me that you miss me, more than I tell you. I know that you meant it. And I don’t care that maybe you’re just being nice, the gentleman that you are. Even if you were, I’d still love those things you do. And, that's enough. For now.

Forget where you are. Forget where I am.
Just be happy, okay? Even if it's not with me. :)

Kung pwede lang umuwi ngayon, gagawin ko. Para di ka na nag-iisa. :) Lagi mo kasing iniisip un eh. Di naman totoo.

“ You fell in love with someone because of the tilt of his smile, or because he
could make you laugh, or in this case, because he made you believe you were the only one who could save him."
— Jodi Picoult, Picture Perfect

In my case.

6 to go.

Hearts are good for souvenirs

2009-09-01T12:18:00.000+04:00

I never really thought of myself as the one who lost. In fact, I believed that I gained so much more. But, sometimes, I just can’t help but feel half-empty. Like there’s something missing. I don't feel whole. At all.

They say that you should never look for someone who will complete you, that a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals, and that you should find someone supplementary and not complementary. And I believe that at some point. But, how will you know what you’re missing if your whole?
And I never claimed to be whole, just an individual.

I don’t resent myself for missing it, nor God, for letting things be this way.
On some days, I could handle it, as if it’s nothing. Sometimes, it even drives me to do things I never did before, to take risks. But, on some days, the need and the longingness become unbearable to the acute point of pain. Sometimes, they make me feel hopeless.

Pagod na kasi ako eh.
Pagod na kong mag-isa.
Kung alam mo lang, ikaw na lang ung hinihintay
ko.

Oh, what will I do now with all this time?

-A journal entry I wrote last night while listening to Tiffany's All This Time. Hence, the title.

10 to go.

You drive away from my car crash of a heart

2009-08-27T10:48:00.000+04:00

I'm not really the most patient person in the world, though I try to be. To be honest, I really hate waiting, especially if it's for something that I really really want. But then, if I don't then I won't get what I want.

Right now, I'm waiting for summer to end, so that I can move on from this bum state of mine. It's not enough to say, 'bored to death'. Go figure. Three months of summer is long, what more if it's six? Although, many of you would agree that I'm probably one of the luckiest girls alive because I don't have plates to do, projects to pass, tests to study for and the like. But, believe me, you would not want to exchange lives with me at the moment. And if we would, it will be more beneficial for me than for you.

So that's the major one. Here are the other things I'm waiting for at the moment:

- I'm waiting for the right time to pick up my brother from school. My sister didn't go to school today because she's a lazy ass. Haha. Kidding. She's sick. And that's good news for me(not the sick part, though) because I won't have to go back to the school, walking in the middle of the day under the terrible heatwaves. It's 42 deg outside and you'd be a fool to walk 4 kilometers under those circumstances. But, I don't have a choice. It's Ramadan and unfortunately, their prayer time and my brother's dismissal time overlapped, so that means they will stop whatever
they're doing and(duh) pray. Cab drivers are no exception. Boo.

- I'm waiting for winter. or rain. whichever comes first. Like I said, it's just so hot. The let's-wear-shorts-and-tank tops kind of hot. And boo me again, since it's Ramadan, people can't wear anything that would show off their skin, so at this time, sleeveless tops, short skirts, and shorts are not allowed. And they really put people in jail for that. Ugh.

- I'm waiting for Ramadan to end. Don't ask me why. I think I've given you enough reason. But, one more thing, these people are so crabby during daytime. Can't blame them though. If you starved yourself for almost the whole day and you still have to work, you really can't help but feel pissed and crabby all the time. I pity those Filipinos working in fast food chains and restaurants just because they work there. Picture this: hundreds(or maybe even thousands) of people who haven't eaten anything since morning will order(demand is more like it)food with very high expectations. As in, they expect to be served right away. Imagine a hundred people demanding that for a month. It'll drive you crazy. Just watching them drives me crazy.

- I'm waiting for my TOEFL (Test Of English as a Foreign Language)Exam and Enrolment day. In about two weeks, I will be scheduling my TOEFL Exam and hopefully, be able to enroll afterwards.

-I'm waiting for my classes to start this Fall. I just can't wait to feel the stress and pressure of school again. I can't wait to draw and draw and draw and be graded for my designs. I never thought I'd miss that. But, I do now. Haha.

- I'm waiting for the premiere of New Moon in November. After seeing all the trailers/sneak peeks there is, I can't wait to watch the whole thing. I think( I can't believe I'm saying this) New Moon has become my most favorite book from the series. Or should I say, it's the one that I really understand and know by heart. And because, I'm totally in love with Jacob Black. I'm still in love with Edward, but I just have a special spot for Jacob in my heart. I just can't not love him. :) And New Moon is gonna kick Twilight's Ass!

- I'm waiting for the day when we can all go back and continue our lives in the Philippines just because.

Okay. So, that was a hefty list. And now, I realize how much I hate routines. I mean, my everyday is a routine. I wake up, eat oatmeal for breakfast, clean the house, take a bath, pick up my brother from school, wait for another hour and a half for my sister, go home, feed them, wash the dishes, go online, and the rest is history. Can you imagine living like that? As in, you have to do it every.single.day. I've become so good at it that I could do it all in my sleep.

I just feel so stuck. No wonder I can't wait for all those things to come. And what's even worse is when you can't do anything but wait. I can't make time go any faster, though I wish I could.
Sometimes, I just want to sleep and wake up when this will all end, or change, at least. I told myself that I wouldn't go online today, and to pass the time, I would do other things. But, I can't, because this is the only way that I'm connected to the people I love back home.

So what to do next? Wait.

Forthcoming

2009-08-25T18:00:00.000+04:00

I haven't been myself lately. That's one reason why I haven't posted anything since the last one. A lot of things are runnng through my mind and the silence isn't helping. Although, I love being alone inside my head, there will be days that you want to spend it with others. There will be times when you just want to hang out with your friends and forget everything that's bothering you. I would love to do that considering that I have more than enough time on my hands. I don't have any school-related stuff going on unlike most of my friends who are dealing with a lot right now.

When I made the decision to leave, I know that I would be dealing with times like these. I remember telling myself that I can handle them, that I won't let this pass even if it meant that I have to sacrifice a lot of time with the other important people in my life. But, I know that I didn't make a wrong decision. Either way, a part of me would still suffer. I would still encounter hard times. They're inevitable.

Fifteen days from now, I would be saying goodbye to my seventeenth year, and saying hello to anothery year filled with new and bigger responsibilities. And to be honest, I'm dreading that day. I used to be that person who looks forward to her birthdays. But, right now, I'm not as excited as I thought I would be.

Like every year, I made a list of things I want for my birthday, a wishlist. And again, I wrote all of those things that make me drool whenever I see them. A lens and tripod for Jake(my camera), new books, iPhone, and other stuff that I really want. But, if God would grant me one wish from that list, I would choose the one that would lead me back to you. Anything. I would do anything to get that one wish. Forget all those crap(even Jake Cuenca, mind you, he's on that list : ), just give me that wish and I wouldn't be sad for the coming of my eighteenth year.

As childish as this may sound, I don't want to be eighteen. I want to stay seventeen even for just a couple of days more. There's something about this year that makes me want to go through it over and over again. No matter how many tears I've shed, how many times I got my heart broken, how many people I've lost, how many times I failed. Regardless of all of that, seventeen will always have a special place in my heart. I will never regret a day of my seventeenth year. Not one. You would think that I would, but I won't. Every single day will always be treasured.

I can say that it was the year that I have made the biggest impact not just on myself, but to others in my life as well. One way or another, I know that my choices have affected them. So, obviously, I'm not looking forward to my birthday this year. There's nothing to look forward to, really. Well, this will be the first time that I will celebrate it with my parents after four years. I guess that's one. But, other than that, I can't think of anything that would make this day something to look forward to.

There's this part of me that doesn't want to end this year on such a sad note. My sulking would sure not do it justice. Plus, this year is a blessing. God gave me another year of new opportunities and responsibilities, new memories to fill all those days with, new challenges to make me strong, and more days to spend with those people I love and those that I would get to know this year.

I guess I'll just have to focus on that part. I'm giving it a chance.

And maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't be bad after all. Maybe it would be better. It may not be in ways that I would imagine it to be. Like something you see on the outside. But, I'd still be grateful no matter what happens. A little part of me feels that it may not come on that day, but it will, once I've earned it.

Let's just leave it at that.

Let's cross our fingers

2009-08-18T12:18:00.000+04:00

I have all the time in the world to fall in love

but I just don't.

Well, not yet. But, I think I'm getting there.
Hopefully.

It's not that I want to because it's been too long. (WAY.TOO.LONG)

I want to because it's YOU.

I've been meaning to..

2009-08-15T19:35:00.000+04:00

- write a blog entry worth-reading.

- lose weight.

- do a photoshoot.

- decorate my planner.

- finish my 18th birthday wishlist.

- start writing my 'Things I want to do before I die' list.

- read a new book.

- listen to new music.

- talk to someone.

- sleep and wake up early.

and lastly,

-fix my life.

There. Just so you know that I'm still alive. And that there are a lot of things that I haven't been able to do because a.) I don't have the time b.) I'm lazy c.) one word. CHORES. d.) all of the above. I choose D. For one, I'm a night person. And by that, I mean, most things/thoughts that are usually worth-blogging are those that come into my mind at night.

That wasn't a problem before. Whenever my writer's blocks ache in the middle of the night, I can just open my laptop and go online and then type and post them. But, I can't really do that right now. I have other people to consider. People who are tired and wants to sleep. People who are concerned about your health and wants you to be asleep at that time. We call them parents.

So, to cure my writer's blocks which usually happen every night, I keep a notebook beside my bed now. I don't post them here though. And I love the feeling of excitement when I try to decipher them in the morning. Or when I try to remember why I thought of those things the previous night. And it's actually fun. It helps me to learn more about myself and my dreams for the future.

Woah. That wasn't hard, right? I actually made a blog entry. I guess I have to cross out the one on top of my list now. Haha. Okay. I admit, that was a lame way to end this. Forgive me, I'm trying. Toodles!

Always love,

No comment.

2009-08-09T13:50:00.000+04:00

I really don't want to feel down right now. But, I really just.can't.help.it. Have you ever felt that no matter what you do, you just can't be part of someone's life? That for that person, you'll just be someone he knows? Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be more than friends. We're not even that close as friends. And that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to be closer. Well, I want him to know that he can always turn to me, just like what he does with his other friends.

It's just so frustrating that even friendship is hard to get nowadays. I'm not mad at him. I don't even know why I bother, why I try so hard to let him know that I care, at the very least. Sometimes, I just want to give up, to just let things be this way.

And you know what's even worse? It's when you know that there was a time in your life when he tried to do the same with you, and you didn't even see it. Or you didn't let him. Like what he's doing to me now. Revenge? No. I know that he was not aware of what he did. And what he's doing right now.

I just really wanna know him more. That's all. Gahd. I can't believe that I'm actually writing this. Or even feeling this way. I guess I have to end here before I start writing other stuff not meant for others to read. Haha.

Keep on.

2009-07-29T14:25:00.000+04:00

“ When you’re at that point, when you feel it’s all pointless… It’s not.
The trick is to just keep doing it, that’s how you succeed in the end. It’s the
secret to life, do anything often enough, and for long enough, and you get good
at it. So keep on. Keep writing. Keep painting. Keep singing. Keep dancing. Keep
fighting. Keep. On. "

I came across this quote in my tumblr. It was from someone I'm following. Anyway, let me ask you something. Have you ever had that feeling when you saw something out of the blue and then you just feel like it's for you? Something that you weren't looking for, but then it just pops in your life just when you've decided that it is time to stop because finding it is impossible? Well, I've never believed that something like that could happen until it did happen to me.

I was on the verge of giving up, of accepting that some things are just not meant for me. I was ready to move on, then. I was ready to give it all up, all that was left of me. Then, something unexpected happened. It came. I thought that it was impossible, but it did. I was ecstatic. I was grateful. I was happy, as happy as someone who won the lottery. Maybe even more. But I was that. Happy.

I stopped at the thought, or the feeling, rather. I've never been happy. Or this happy, at least. It was like witnessing magic. And I know that I've never been this close to God. It took that moment to really bring me back to God.

Just when I thought that it can't get any better than this, everything fell. Everything fell into pieces, literally. One moment, I was totally and completely blissed out, the next thing I knew, I was crying like I never cried before. Like I never hurt before. It was gone. That opportunity that I wanted so bad since I got here, and just within my grasp now, is gone.

I fought for it, but it came to that point when I can't fight anymore. I still regret not going for it sometimes. I still sigh, and wonder what will happen if I went for it. It was a good opportunity. And we've been told to grab every opportunity that comes into our lives. But then, I learned that just because it was a good opportunity, it doesn't mean that it's good for you.

At first, I thought that I was holding on to it because it was meant for me. That somehow, it will be mine in the end. I thought that it was just a test. To see how far I can go fighting for it. It was now that I understood that I was holding on to it because it was a good opportunity, just that.

I also thought that it was the only choice I've got. I forgot that life is full of choices. Was it not me who said that our lives are sewn together by possibilities, choices that are waiting to be chosen?

"Sometimes, you just can't get everything you want. You just can't have it your
way. We think that we rule our lives, that we are certain. But, we don't,
because there's Someone greater than us who knows that. Sometimes, we have to
take a step back, forget all our plans, and let life, let Him surprise us by
taking us to places we never dreamt of going to."

Another quote. The quote on my header, actually. I wrote this that night when everything finally made sense. And I believe that we really have to do things spontaneously to fully appreciate them. That we have to trust Him with our lives--lives He has given us in the first place. It's what we call faith. Believing in things you don't know, but it's only through your faith that they exist.

And just when I thought that it was really over, another miracle happened. Another opportunity came my way. I know that this is the time for me to plunge into the unknown and have faith in Him again that this would go perfectly. Faith got me here. So, there's no doubt that this would end well.

Life goes on even if you don't want it to, or you feel like it's not. And with your every breath, you add another moment in your life, and you come close to something great, something worth your wait. As it goes on, you find that you are faced again with so many choices and so many possibilities. There are the good or the right choices. And there are the bad and the wrong choices.

But, no matter what you do, no matter what you choose, always, and I mean always, keep the faith. :)

Always love,

The Muse

2009-07-25T23:39:00.000+04:00

Eura Yuste is an eighteen year-old full-time Fashion Design student, Photography hobbyist and a part-time musician. She loves photographs, books, milk tea, and new pencils. She runs on a nocturnal schedule. She's an evil creature of the night. She has an obsession for Kate Moss, quotations, music lyrics and sunglasses. She's Jack's Mannequin's secret groupie. But, she enjoys singing and playing the guitar as well. She has an utmost respect for people who can dance, because she can't. And lastly, she can't stop talking.

She's all over the place.

*The profile space was too short. And if you know me, you have to know that I talk a lot.

Wake up call

2009-07-25T14:13:00.000+04:00

Yes, I'm back. :) I'm the girl behind this. I know it was just a month ago when I made the decision to finally put my blog to rest, to go on hiatus. I thought that I wouldn't miss it, that it was really time to go on private for a while. It was, as a matter of fact. But, I really did miss it. Why else would I make a new one, right? :)

The past month gave me time to freely enjoy myself, discover new things, and most of all, a peace of mind. I guess, one of the reasons why I didn't want to blog anymore was because I got conscious of the things that I put into writing. When you're conscious of an audience, it really doesn't help with the honesty part. I'd bet that you don't understand a thing of what I'm saying. But, it's not that I wasn't honest with what I write, it's just that there were things that weren't supposed to be read by some (ehem, mom. not that I'm complaining.) people.

My blog's purpose then, was to help me release certain emotions, pour out my heart and mind and my soul, cure some writer's blocks that I get every now and then, and of course, to document those events in my life that I would want to remember and look back on. Anyway, I got tired of it eventually, that's why I decided to stop.

So, what brings me back to the blogging world? Well, aside from the reasons above, I found that this is a more convenient and a seriously easier way to get in touch with people, since I am out of the country as of the moment. Other than that, I still don't know.

I'm not promising that I would be able to update this all the time (like, daily). Maybe, a maximum of 3 times a week? I don't know. But, if you want something more updated, add me on plurk or twitter. Ha. As if a lot of people are reading this.

Anyway, why mirelasestrellas? I'd bet that some of you are wondering why. It's actually mire las estrellas or Look at the stars in English. It's the first line of one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands, Yellow by Coldplay. I just love the line. And because, stars or estrellas, is actually the meaning of one of my best friends' and a true kindred spirit's name, Estell. I have always said that if my blog were a person, it'd be her. So, I sort of named it after her. ;)

But according to her, she believes that it has something to do with finding one's destiny. Like when the Three Kings wanted to find the Child Jesus, they followed the North Star to lead them to Him. Like in Peter Pan, it was the second star on the right that led Wendy and her siblings to Neverland.

I believe that the stars would lead me to where I should be, as well. With God's help, of course. :)

Always love,